The following column is intended for a mature audience. All referenced characters, organizations, places and events in this column are entirely fictional. The dialogue is the result of ouija board channeling. The views and opinions expressed herein belong solely to disembodied souls and do not necessarily represent the views or opinions of David Cromwell, Gary Hall, Jr. or the SwimSwam network or any of it’s representatives. Reader discretion advised.
Gary: Hello, old friend. I’m in Seattle attending the NCAA swimming championships. There’s a social tonight at the pool that “Goldie” Gold Medal Mel is putting on. There’ll be free beer and a load of young men in speedos. Should be a blast!
David: I’m at a law school class in Rome…You mean to say that you checked my schedule. You found the one weekend I wouldn’t be in Seattle. Then you came back. I’m never going to see you again, am I?
Gary: In hell, perhaps.
David: I hate your face. Get a job.
Gary: I tutti in your general direction. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWBUl7oT9sA
David: That almost made me laugh.
If the smell of your newfound California chill weren’t so overpowering, you’d notice my odor of excellence.
Gary: I thought it was pretty good, given that you’re in Italy and tutti is an Italian word that sounds like toot, which is slang for fart. Throw in the Monty Python nod. And the fact that it’s 8:26 AM, I’ve been awake for 14 minutes and haven’t had my “funny” coffee yet.
I have to explain the joke because the texturing runs much deeper than your feeble mind is able to comprehend. The joke is on you. And now you know why it’s funny.
David: Gary, while you think the joke is on me, the fact that I am drinking a caffe and staring-like-a-pervert at a beautiful Italian woman right now only begins to show how little you know about what’s going on.
I would only point out that the overall joke is that I had suspected that you had a fake job, and your no-less-than twenty minutes spent (conservative estimate) in drafting the previous email only confirms it.
(Two Days of Digital Silence)
Gary: Here’s a thought, Gold Medal just launched SwimSwam. Why don’t you and I occasionally submit a written commentary on certain happenings in the sport of swimming? Here is some suggested example dialogue:
Gary: Dave, what do you think of Ian Thorpe’s comeback attempt? Some have suggested his performance was the turd in the punch bowl of Australian Olympic Trials. What’s the next step for Ian at this point?
Dave: Given the level of his aerobic conditioning I’d guess it would be with his left foot…
Gary: Personally, I think the Olympic movement discriminates against fat people. The Games could appeal to a “broader” audience if the Australians gave Ian Thorpe a free pass to participate in the Olympic Games, again. And then no one could accuse the IOC of discrimination against fat people.
Dave: I don’t know what to say. I’m an idiot.
Gary: Ian was training, for over three months, with legendary swim coach Gennadi Touretski of Russia. What are your thoughts on that?
Gary: I wonder if Ian was receiving nutritional consultation from Gennadi, as well as swim instruction? Gennadi is not a slender man, or youthful. Or handsome.
However, all must admit that his accomplishments as a swim coach are extraordinarily impressive, having coached the no-talent Alexander Popov to Olympic glory last century. For this accomplishment alone I think that they should embalm Gennadi in Jell-o in the center of Moscow like Mao is enshrined in Tiananmen Square. According to the Chinese, it’s the ultimate honor bestowed. Gennadi may eat his way out, even in death.
…Or something along those lines. What thinks you?
David: Does it matter that I will no longer have any idea what I’m talking about (read: I don’t read swimming news)?
Gary: All the better that neither one of us knows what we’re talking about.
David: Alright, well I’m totally in. This actually sounds like fun. I think the column should be Point? Counter Point. With Dave and Gary. Some people might appreciate the nod to the ambiguously gay duo, and those that don’t can stuff it.
I think the key is that our columns very rarely make sense, and make a point of not resolving anything.
Gary: It’s Seattled, then.
By way of being the foremost authority on all things aquatic sport related, with ten Olympic medals in the sport of swimming and as the President of The Race Club International Swimming Academy, I do hereby grant you, David Cromwell, Esc. in training, an honorary doctorate, Licentia Docendi Honoris, awarded for your contributions to peer-refereed aquatic journal publications and general excellence in, um, whatever else it is you do.
Congratulations! May it serve you well in your future endeavors.
Gary Hall, Jr.
David: Is there a way to digitally poop on things?
Gary: That’s funny. Is Sinbad your favorite comedian?
David (Ignoring Gary): What are your goals for this? Mine would be to write stuff that is good, but mainly something that makes me laugh.
Gary: Let’s play around with it. However, I think it’s imperative that the first piece be strong…
 David: Gary lived in Seattle for a couple years, then sold out, and moved South like an old woman this last spring.
 David: By mentioning law school and Rome in one sentence, I hope that you picked up on the fact I think I’m better than everyone…except my readers, of course. But Gary? Definitely.
 David: As I would prefer not to be Gary-Hall-Jr.’ed in the Aussie press (see: “Guitars,”) I would like to note that these stupid words are Gary’s and Gary’s alone. I hate Australians for entirely different reasons.
 David: Really?
 David: Gary misspelled esquire, but I’m not going to tell him. Because, again, it helps me feel less-insecure.