Gary: Meet Chris Michael. He’s one of the smart ones who got out of swimming and now grazes upon the greener (medicinal) grasses of YouTube.
Chris (cutting off Gary): It’s been described as “out of the pool and into your hearts.”
Gary: Yeah, well uh, he’s our next Point? guest (sucker).
David: We got Chris Michael? That’s amazing!
Gary: You fu…
David (cutting off Gary): I’m just joking man, there’s no way we could get him. He’s a one trick wonder, and that’s way above us. Clearly, we could only get the other one.
Gary: David, you suck like George Michael. He’s a trick wonder.
Chris: This is a really wonderful column. I love how you guys take the time to absorb what your guests are communicating before you respond. I hate when the whole conversation is mapped out before I get a chance to respond. Hey guys! What would you say is your favorite part of my body?
David: Oh yeah! This [email protected]. Chris! He’s a legend.
Gary: You’re right, Chris. We’re getting ahead of ourselves. Go ahead. Please respond.
Chris: Hi David. Please help me convince Gary that interviewing me will result in your most unpopular column yet.
David: Dude, Chris, we had two views for our Mike Gustafson column. Two. There were three people in the column. But, seriously Chris, not to get sentimental, but looking back you and Mike Gustafson were really funny. I mean, this is the weirdest video I’ve ever seen. Gary, if Mel ever released the footage you’ve talk about, would it be as good as Chris and Gushtafshon’sh stuff?
Gary: Believe it or not, I’ve seen a lot of weird videos. If it doesn’t involve Goldie “Mel” Stewart or Chris “George” Michael it doesn’t register on my weird radar.
Chris: Wow. I thought Chlorination had been purged from the internet. Clearly I need to have words with my purge guy.
Gary: Put in a good word for me. I’m going to need a specialist when removing Dave from the Dave and Gary chronicles.
Chris, tell us of your history with the sport of swimming and what you’re doing these days with this crazy little fad thing called YouTube. And what the pull buoy is Funscreen, or Fullscreen? Or whatever. Are you doing pornography?
Chris: I co-created swimming’s first mediocre webshow, Chlorination, which allowed me to meet the greatest swimmers in this beautiful country of ours, and David Cromwell. Nowadays I am on the business/development/management side of web content at Fullscreen, the most watched independent multichannel YouTube Network. I head up our Fitness/Sports and Comedy Networks.
Gary: It’s all about the video content these days. Journalism is dead, the Dave & Gary column hammers that point home. Who’s responsible for the death of journalism, the writer or the reader?
Chris: That’s an interesting question. The readers have become the writers, and with the universal opening for voices, the shortest path to being an influencer is to appeal to the lowest common denominator, more so now than ever. #Boobs
David: (plugs nose and blows until he farts out of his eyes)*
Gary: That’s why we’re doing so poorly.
The days of Twitter are numbered. When video content is so easily accessed even Twitter belches will be too long to read. Hmm, I could read 28 words or I could use those 6 minutes and 43 seconds to watch a brilliant piece of Fullscreen excrement with, like, 50,000 words.
Chris: Michael Buckley! Well researched, Gary.
Gary: What the Buck?! I love that, so intimately.
David (looking excitedly from Gary to Chris, Chris to Gary…and really wanting to be as cool as them, but not having any idea what they’re talking about):
Chris (not even noticing David): Michael Buckley is phenomenal. You should also probably stay ahead of the trend and download Vine. Think Twitter, but with 6 second video. It’s being compared to another one of Fullscreen’s channels: 5 Second Films.
David (slowing things down): Wow. You know, a lot of me wants to believe in what my minister tells me, but, my Xenu, I think Buckley might prove that we’ve reached the End of Days. I can’t think of anything else to explain it, and I also now see why people move to cabins in Lincoln, MT.
Gary: I wish you’d move to a cabin in Lincoln, MT.
David (ignoring Gary’s glib comment): But putting that jive-turkey aside, all you guys are saying is that things get smaller and dumber, more grotesque and more digestible…
Gary (cutting in): Like the contents of your Speedo and cranium?
David (still ignoring): …we get it. So who cares? Oh, and can someone link this back to swimming? Mel won’t pay me until we start doing that.
Chris: I’ve always been, and will always remain, a Gary fan. And he’s a boss in the sprints. That’s how this applies to swimming. How about we stop these abhorrently long 100+ meter races and get down to some exciting 5-meter lightning matches! Colleges can’t afford to maintain a pool? How about a bathtub?
Gary: To the point! I’ll have anyone on the column that says nice things about me. Because me love me too. Me. Chris, convince David and me in 8 words or less to start doing videos for Fullscreen.
Gary: That’s amazing! Your efficiency makes Vine seem long-winded. You’re like the Master Yoda of telepathy or something. Words are no longer necessary. Raise a glass Sea Monkeys, journalism is dead!!!
David: Chris, you are about as persuasive as Gary, who took persuasive writing at Foenix University. I’m not saying that institution is without merits, I’m saying Gary is. And, you are worse than him. (exasperated) Let’s try to link back to swimming.
Gary: Okay. You wanna know what I love about fish?
Gary: They’re gill-icious!
(Stunned five minute silence)
Gary: So, uh, are we done here? I reckon we should probably keep this one short, like the contents of Dave’s Speedo. And sweet, like the contents of my Speedo.
David: This? This plog? This is how we’re following up our first positive feedback?
Gary: Chris, thanks for joining us. Keep up the great work killing books.
*Sorry fans, Gary made me keep this in. It’s not true, and I’m embarrassed for not cutting it.