Gary: Once, I went to a swim meet in Montreal. Out at the bar that night I met this guy and, no joke, his family was in the maple syrup business. It’s like a stereotype or something. (Making the sign of the cross) There was the father, the son and the maple syrup. Amen.
David: I knew I had a bad omen about this week’s column.
Gary: No man, nothing but good omens! Did I tell you, the SEC wants me to do a speaking engagement? They say it’s a really big deal! But I can’t figure out why the South East Conference wants me to talk about “my single-handed role in masterminding the 2010 Flash Crash.” I stopped streaking in 2007.
David: Wait, now I’m confused. Do you mean to tell me Auburn, Alabama, Florida…they all run the Securities and Exchange Commission?
Gary: Securities and…
Gary (quietly): …poop.
David: It sounds like you might need a lawyer.
Gary: Tell me about it! I need to sue Phil Knight. He’s the one man standing between me and the title of “best hair” for the US territory. That’s what all the money in the world buys you. That hair! He’s about as cute as a turtle named Shelly. Anyway, enough about my great hair already! Let’s talk about something else.
David: Let’s talk about the meeting we had with Fullscreen, that YouTube shell company that makes videos. But not like Youtube, because it’s different. Ya know, content…
David (consternated): Sorry, I uh, I…I still don’t know what they do.
Gary: Oh yeah, Fullscreen! We’ve gotten really gooder at this column thing. It took a while for me to get over the fact that my writing partner is so ugly. And dumb. And that I have to do all of the heavy lifting. But despite all of that, we’ve managed to attract the interest of these guys.
I’ve got the rascally charm of Han Solo and you have the charm of a rapist, with bad teeth. Together we forcibly charmed the Speedos off those Fullscreen poobahs. We’re going to be on the Internet! I quit three of my jobs!
David: Oh man, that reminds, one time my mom told me that I would be a beautiful girl…
Gary: Ha. Ha-ha.
David:…which was the closest anyone’s ever been to complimenting me. Until now. So, Fullscreen saying my plog is “not terrible,” well, it’s a special moment for me.
Gary (getting cut off by David’s soliloquy): Chris Mich…
David: But then again…this column is terrible. So, I guess I’m confused again.
Gary: Chris Michael, the Fullscreen commandant, works in some kind of hipster beanbag co-op. Everybody sits around and watches YouTube videos. For money. I went there. I saw it. Foosball and coffee stations! It’s real, David. Nobody is over 35 years old. It’s real, I tell you. Fullscreen is kind of awesome. And, they want us to pilot six webisodes of Point? Counter Point.
Gary: I know! Anyway, they seem to be under the impression that I and me are the funniest men in Speedos. They actually want us to do videos. Maybe we should start with that Harlem Shake video? I’ll come over with my gorilla mask, jump rope, Jergens and sleeping bag!
David (ignoring Harlem Shake reference): Cool self-promotion shtick you’re doing here, bro. Unfortunately, it won’t work, because nobody reads this plog. Well, maybe Braden Keith, but he’s got real problems. I heard Mel locked him in his room once and wouldn’t give him food or toilet until he posted 10,000 times…
I think we should send him a card.
Gary: Card. Right. Anyway, I predict that we’ll be as bad at this Fullscreen pursuit as Lindsay Lohan is at being classy. Or sober. Or as bad as Whitney Houston is at being alive. Or sober.
David: No, I mean you’re right. I like the video idea because we can sell out, yet receive none of the benefits of doing so. It’s perfect for my own self-destructive behavior. My therapist is gonna be so pissed. Oh man, I can’t wait to see his face!
Gary: Actually, what really makes the Fullscreen proposition attractive is an alleviated obligation to talk about swimming ALL of the time. Swimming is really dragging us down, David! It’s stifling creativity! I want to remove the Speedo and turbo thrust Dave and Gary into the hyperdrive dimension of broader absurdity, unencumbered by swimming related lycra based parameters. We could talk about anything! Other sports like wrestling, or streaking, or foosball, or the Harlem Shake!
David: Gary, I like what you’re doing with the Harlem Shake thing; it’s really post-modern. But nobody else gets it. Your irony is too subtle. So stop. Please.
Gary: I’m unable to stop “The Shake.” I’ve been undulating in a gorilla mask and Speedo for over three weeks, my man. I can’t get the song out of my mind! I’m coming unhinged. From my Speedo!
David: Moving on, how long until Mel gives us the boot, or will we post our videos here?
Gary: Until I’m fired from Swim Swam, I’m going to continue listening to the Ramones and carry the weight. The Swim Swam ship keeps taking on water and Dave n’ Gary keep bailing it out. Without our bi-weekly hocus, Swim Swam is just a classy swim news site. All of our critics agree.
David: Yep, the critics definitely agree. Quite outspoken, actually.
Gary (still rolling): We’ve got a tendency toward proclivity of idiosyncrasy! I’ll give us that. How are we going to break the news to Goldie Mel? We’re conspiring Swam Swim infidelity. He’s going to give you another black eye.
David (despairing): Yeah, I hope Mel lets us stay, but I do feel bad for him at the same time. We’re the ones who suck, but he actually had to read our crap.
Gary (picking cuticle): I prefer the word “amateurish.” We’re the ones who amateurish…