Swimming Outside the Binary

by SwimSwam 27

April 04th, 2016 Big Ten, College, Lifestyle

Thanks to G Ryan for contributing this piece. G is a sophomore at the University of Michigan, and a U.S. National champion in the 800 meter freestyle. They are originally from Kutztown, Pennsylvania and swam for NBAC before starting at Michigan. 

I hand in my approved absence form for the Big Ten Championships, notifying my professor at the University of Michigan that I will be missing a week of class. As I turn to leave, my professor stops me asking, “Gillian? Who is that, G?” I cringe and take a deep breath, preparing once again to explain the double life I lead. In every arena except for athletics, I am G. Only in swimming am I unable to assert my genuine identity. Because I identify on the gender spectrum somewhere other than “woman” or “man”, the binary arena of athletics is complicated to navigate.

As a genderqueer athlete, I feel that part of myself is sacrificed in order to participate in the sport I am passionate about. The polar opposites most common, men/women, ladies/gentlemen, etc. all exclude me. Since I am outside traditional labels, the conventional structure seems unable to include me.  You could ask, what does it matter? In my experience this exclusion undermines confidence, self-esteem, and motivation. If every day, a little bit of myself is weathered away with the failure to adjust language, I lose pieces that I can’t get back. Athletics demand elite physical bodies, but sometimes fails to recognize the importance of a healthy mind to go with it.

My physical body chafes and itches like an ill-fitting suit, one I can’t take off at the end of the day. This feeling can be exacerbated when I am upset, frustrated, or emotionally vulnerable. Since my appearance doesn’t align with my gender identity or expression, walking around half-naked in a skin-tight suit never helps. To minimize the discomfort, I avoid mirrors as much as possible and wear long shorts and loose shirts when I can.

My teammates and coaches are incredibly supportive, but are hindered by society’s general lack of knowledge about gender identity. At practice other considerations take precedence with so many people involved. At the same time, it is emotionally difficult for me to qualify and change the gendered statements so that I can feel included. It is exhausting trying to be two people at once and conform to the expectations of others. I act as though it’s okay that I am excluded from most conversations when emails, invitations, and congratulations are addressed to the ladies and/or women, because every time it happens I have to remind myself it wasn’t intentional and that it doesn’t invalidate my identity either. When the motivational speech is directed to all of the powerful, strong, and independent women on the team, I have to remind myself that being a powerful, strong, and independent person is good enough.

I want to be able to come into the pool after a tough day of classes and be recognized for who I am, the real me. If I’ve been kicked out of a restroom under the accusation that I’m “in the wrong place”, the last thing I want to do is keep up an act at practice for other people’s benefit. It would be a relief to be addressed with my preferred name and pronouns. I use “they/them/theirs” instead of “she/her/hers” for the same reason I prefer “G” to “Gillian”. It allows me the freedom to be the most authentic version of myself. I smile and accept others’ mistakes, because it is hard to correct them and also because some days I just don’t want to have to explain myself, again. Acceptance is different than respect. I can be accepted although I am different, but using my pronouns and acknowledging my identity means that I am intentionally included rather than inadvertently excluded. It is a challenge to change previously ingrained habits, and everyone makes mistakes, but learning is all part of the process.

I am not a woman or a man, and I shouldn’t have to be. I am a person. A student. An athlete. A teammate, friend, and competitor. I walk onto the pool deck, and use the requisite gendered spaces. I change in the women’s locker room, I grab the women’s practice, and I swim for the women’s team. But I know that even as I do so, I don’t have to pretend anymore. Now, you know that too. Let me reintroduce myself. Hi. I’m G.

27
Leave a Reply

17 Comment threads
10 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
23 Comment authors
newest oldest most voted
keptswimming

We’re all with you G. And we admire your courage!

MamaGlover

Hi G! It’s nice to meet you!

Realist

You have every right to live your life as you see fit and hopefully people, generally speaking, are kind to you. You do not have the right to expect others to agree with your chosen lifestyle that is based on a mental/emotional condition of not accepting who you actually are (male or female). Freedom goes both ways.

swimdoc

Freedom goes both ways, but like many bidirectional things, is disproportionately unidirectional in this matter.

JudgeNot

A “mental/emotional condition”? Being transgender is neither a mental nor emotional “condition”. The DSM-5 makes that clear. And freedom does not go both ways when discrimination and judgmentalism enter the equation. “Generally speaking” you hope people are kind to G? Wow. How about this? Do your thing G, and enjoy your life. There. That didn’t hurt me a bit.

anon

Transgender is most definitely a mental condition. The brain and physical body are not matched. I agree she should live her life how she wants, but it is naive to think that this is a normal thing.

AcceptYourself

Gender is a social construction. Living outside of the binary is a choice, not a problem. They don’t use she/her pronouns by the way. Have some respect.

Stay Human

I see it slightly differently, though also with some agreement with you, too, Realist: G technically has the right to expect anything, regardless of whether those expectations will ever be met. But by the same token, if, by “agree with your chosen lifestyle” you mean accepting and/or adopting G’s use of non-binary pronouns, then in my opinion, you’re correct, that others have the right not to do that, as well. But I have to say that by G’s, and in my experience, many others’ descriptions, the only things chosen, at this point, (and I’m not sure they’re all-encompassing enough to be called a “lifestyle”), appear to be comprised of the choice to sometimes conform with gender norms sometimes for the… Read more »

Don't want to miss anything?

Subscribe to our newsletter and receive our latest updates!