David: Gary? Gary? Is this thing on? Hey man, are we really quitting?
Gary: No, I just wanted to create a cliffhanger effect.
David (narrowing his eyes): You what?!
Gary: We tricked all of our readers! All four of them posted comments like, “No! No! Don’t go. We love you! You’re the greatest ever. You’re so funny! Don’t quit, we love you!”
They probably have even been crying.
David: What about the comments we deleted? I don’t talk jive like kids these days, but from the little I deciphered, they seemed pretty happy about our demise.
Gary: All those kids do is grow hair and suck air. And post dumb comments. Loathsome, that’s what they are.
David: Sheesh. Well anyway, thanks for losing half our readership with that stupid stunt.
Gary: Whatever. Readers, disregard everything I said. I woke up in a bathtub.
(waits for no response)
…see, they love us as little as they did before. Everything’s cool!
David: How often does that happen to you? The waking up in a bathtub thing.
Gary: It’s as close to swimming as I get these days. At least that time there wasn’t a half-eaten rubber chicken in the bathtub with me. That time.
David: Huh. You’re a weird guy. Not like “funny”/Ryan Seacrest weird either. Anyway, because you failed me, I assume you’re going to use your celebrity status to make up for it?
Gary: How about for our 25th columniversary we bring back an all-star crew of our interviews: Tony Ervin! Alex Meyer! Peter Vanderkaay! Kara Lynn Joyce! Matt Farrell! Aaron Peirsol! Melvin Stewart! All here for one column!
Gary: So you should go ahead and contact them. Set it all up. I tried to get Ryan Lochte to join us but he didn’t respond to my request.
David: You horror of a human being. Nobody’s coming? 25 columns? And this! This is what I get? YOU! Couldn’t you have had your secretary arrange all of this?
Gary: Happy 25th, Dave! It’s not a big deal. Braden Keith posts 25 columns every day.
And my secretary is predisposed cataloguing my M.U.S.C.L.E. collection.
I’ve got a better idea than Ryan Lochte; let’s psychoanalyze a high profile swimmer! We’re totally unqualified. Who’s our victim?
David: The word “victim” makes us seem cruel, so I guess you’re right… I like this stuff as much as I like you.
Gary: That, what you just said right there, doesn’t make sense.
We get to make fun of others because we make fun of ourselves more. That’s how it works. When I make fun of you, Davey Wavey, I’m just trying to hit our fun ratio quota.
Let’s make fun!
David: Hm. That seems fair, actually. Okay, let’s get into the mind of Dara Torres!
Gary: Sure, pick one that can afford to sue us back to Egypt.
It is a cavernous one that belongs to Torres, I will say that. Her mind cavern is so deep that even the most experienced mind spelunkers might lose their way.
David: Shorter and funnier please. How about, since he’s not here, psychoanalyzing Ryan Lochte?
Gary: Ryan Lochte is as deep as Dara Torres’ mind cavern.
David: Fascinating. Who else? How about Chuck Wielgus, executive director of USA Swimming?
Gary: The wizard behind the curtain? He’s not a swimmer.
Chuck should write a book on how to dodge a bullet. How he has maintained his position through the sleazy coach scandal is more impressive than Phelps winning 22 Olympic medals.
Would somebody please get Mike Unger in there as executive director of United States Swimming already? At least Mike knows how to swim.
David: Uh oh, my controversy Geiger counter is at Chernobyl levels right now. Feeling…need…to change (gasping for air)….subject…
Gary: Chuck is a nice guy, don’t get me wrong. There is a certain corporate protocol in this country that when there is an organizational scandal, even a fraction of the size of the swim coach pedophilia thing going on, the leadership hangs.
David: Even when you have valid points, I can’t pay attention. Why is that? Let’s discuss something less anxiety-inducing for me: stroke techniques. Give us some valuable advice from a 1948 Olympian.
Gary: Your old joke’s gone flat. And moldy. Like the Speedo you wear. All the same, I’m willing to offer a valuable tidbit to all the coaches out there. Here goes; whatever everyone else is coaching, preach the opposite.
Gary: Yeah, if everyone else is saying high elbows, you say low elbows. If everyone else says to keep your chin down, keep your chin up. Zig, don’t zag.
Gary: Because you can’t charge a ton of money for a swim clinic if you’re teaching what everyone else already knows. Do you want to make cash money or do you want to be stupid?
David (staring at Gary, opening his mouth, then closing it, then staring at Gary, opening his…):
David: Well what? Your aggressive stupidity has bested me again. Happy? And, you’ve also ruined another column.
One day, I will get you to share the wisdom you hide from the world.
Gary: Sure. One time I fell asleep on an airplane and woke to find the morbidly obese man sitting next to me sucking on my arm hair.
David: Check please!