Gary: Greetings, Friend Cromwell. This is what I’m listening to.
David: Todos. Los paletos. Fuera. De Madrid.
Gary: Hold my calls, I’m going on tour! I’m all in with those dudes. How long did you live in Spain because of that so…
David: Dude!
Gary: David, we’ve been over this I don’t know how many times. Please address me as Per’fessor Tyrannosaurus Flex, Ph.D., Junior.
David: No. The Dude. Aaron Piersol. He’s here! You know, that song of yours, by the way…wow. Just shows how…
Gary (falling out of his recliner): Peirsol! Here? Now?! How’s my hair?!!!
David: Well, remember we sent that email to Aaron three months ago? Asking him to be on the column?
Gary: Three months and thirty eight days ago. Yeah!
David: He’s finally responded! (shrieking) He’s going to do the column!
Gary: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! What do we do?!
David: Pull yourself together, man. Your hair looks fine!
Gary: Aaron is like the coolest guy since Miki Dora!
Aaron: Hey guys, that wasn’t entertaining. Whoever paired you two up was really thinking. I dig it.
David: Gary, don’t ruin this for me with references to people only you know. Aaron, pay him no attention. Too many years running rum…uh, Race Club camps in the Florida Keys warped his mind. Speaking of Hemingway wannabe’s (ahem), one thing I always thought people didn’t know about you was how well-read you are. What pages are you turning these days?
Aaron: Yeah I know, I’m good at hiding that. I was really proud of my Hemingwayesgue beard I had growing up until two days ago. Its been a great summer of reading for me. I’m finishing Walden right now. I don’t know what took me so long to read it, but glad I am.
Gary: I read a book once. Even did a report on it. It’s called The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. I got a C+ on the book report. I feel that character, Sidda, must remind herself and be reminded that she is a “grown up.”
Aaron: It obviously stuck with you, that’s cool. So much of you is more clear now. That would have been a good book for a National Team book club; I would love if all the guys read that.
Gary: Crom Dog over there doesn’t know who Miki Dora was. Obviously he’s not a reading surfer. You are. What’s the largest wave you’ve ever surfed and where was it? And how long is your longboard?
Aaron: You would be thinking about size. Around a 20 foot face, give or take 10 feet. I had a day at Sunset this past spring that actually pushed me a bit.
Dave (waiting excitedly to relate to something else):
Aaron: Maybe this is where we should talk about how great of fishermen we are Dave!
Dave (waiting for unreciprocated digital high five): Yeah Aaron!
Gary: I don’t want to hear about your codpiece again, Cromwellius! Aaron, you’ve been all round this great big world and you’ve seen all kinds of girls. Do you wish they all could be California girls?
Aaron: Austin girls are pretty nice too, both of you know that. But yes, I wish they all could be California giiiiiirls.
Dave: Gary, you’re ruining this column. Ruining it. What kind of question is that?
Gary: Aaron and I are sharing a California connection here. You are an outsider. An alien. You just can’t understand the cosmic bondage thing we’re totally experiencing right now.
Dave (giving stink eye to Gary then turning to Aaron…uncomfortably so): Aaron. Something that doesn’t get enough attention on this Plog of ours is how awesome I am. Could you share with the audience no less than three things to back this up?
Aaron: Ummm…hmmm….uhhhhh….
Gary: There was that time David made toast… And got the butter spread on it just right… And didn’t cut himself with the butter knife. That’s three things. David, you’re awesome. We all think so.
Aaron: Now you’re giving him way too much credit.
Gary: How about some swimming stuff? What was the bravest swim you ever saw?
Aaron: I like that question. I saw Grant Hackett’s 14:34 in 2001 with him going out in 1:52 at the 200 and holding on; that was brave. This past Games I thought Allison Shmitt’s 200 free was exceptionally brave; she’s a stud.
Dave: I totally agree. I also saw her on MTV-London after the games.
Gary (looks at Dave for more while scratching his chin):
Aaron: And?
Dave: Sorry, I uh, I felt like I had nothing to add, but I also wanted to participate in the conversation.
Gary: Fool!
Aaron, what was the one loss in your career that stuck with you mentally for the longest period of time?
Aaron: Another good one. My loss to Lochte in 2007 in my 200 back was a shock for me. It shook me out of a little bubble I was in and was ulitmately very good for the next few years of my career. There was a loss to Cromwell that gave me nightmares for weeks. Or maybe that was a nightmare, I can’t remember.
Dave (looks to Gary for unreciprocated digital high five):
Gary (whispering, looking away): I too have Cromwell night terrors…
(slowly pulling himself from the brink with a violent shake of his head)
… Aaron, I suspect that one is an aged and wizened other with a legal surname change due to paternity complications, but who do you think is cooler Jeff Spicoli or Jeff Lebowski?
Aaron: Man, we’re talking two sides of the same coin. I have to say I was Spicoli for Halloween…twice. There’s some creativity for you. But he was so much fun to be, and so easy, it made for some incredible Halloweens. Not to mention I didn’t have to tag along some shower curtain or something. But both are aspirational figures.
David: You’re suggesting that Jeff Lebowski IS Jeff Spicoli?
Gary: That they are one and the same. Yes. Lebowski being an older Spicoli.
Aaron: I like that theory! Lebowski is at least Spicoli’s uncle.
FIN.
As always this column just cracks me up – keep it going! Gary I heard a rumor that you are swimming in the Santa Barbara tri this weekend. If you are, it will great to watch you compete!!
It’s true. I’ve signed up to compete in the swimming leg of a tri relay on Saturday and the I’m doing the sprint distance event on Sunday. A sincere sense of dread has taken over. Is that a typical occurrence in the days leading up to a triathlon?
Come over to say hello after the paramedics have resuscitated me!
Transitioning from swimming to triathlon was the hardest thing I ever did! I will be there cheering for some tri club team mates, so I will have to say hi!
So…yeah…you need to have Aaron guest star on your posts more often. I typically find your columns witty and amusing, but this one took it a step further and actually caused me to laugh out loud. Props and finger snaps.