SwimSwam welcomes reader submissions about all topics aquatic, and if it’s well-written and well-thought, we might just post it under our “Shouts from the Stands” series. We don’t necessarily endorse the content of the Shouts from the Stands posts, and the opinions remain those of their authors. If you have thoughts to share, please [email protected]. This piece was written by one of our swim parent readers.
Dear Crazy Swim mom-
Yes I am talking to you- the one screaming at your kid to swim harder, breathe less and push off the wall. Trust me. I am pretty sure they know what you are telling them but for whatever reason, under pressure and in competition they forget. So be it- they are 8.
I have been a swim parent for more then half my life now, and before that I was one of the lucky parents that actually swam herself, so yes I do know about swimming. But I am not like you, I do not coach my child.
My kid was put into swim lessons when she was 2, she had no clue what any of it meant at that age- my only thought was she would learn how to swim and be able to save herself one day. At the ripe age of 6 she joined a local swim team, and was surrounded by my friends; ex swimmers and coaches. The best case scenario- she would at least have good technique.
During her years as a 10 and under, it was hard to not coach her- she came to me and asked me for guidance, and I wanted so bad to be a part of her life so I would give it. We had a pretty good relationship and I knew that nothing would come between that.
Until 11- 12’s came and my advice about her not breathing after the flags into the wall and to tighten up her stream line or to breathe every 3 didn’t seem to matter. I could be an Olympic swimmer but it wouldn’t matter because I was her mom. She didn’t want me to be a coach, only a cheerleader. My attitude towards the sport and her changed as it should have. I realized it was less about me and more about her- and what she made of it.
It’s hard to do that – right? I mean it’s you that spends all the money, the hours sitting at practice, the week or weekends away from your other family to go to meets, and all the hours of volunteerism for your club…it is a family affair! But the coaching should not be. I watch you coach your child or get nervous because they aren’t at the blocks yet – I get it, I was there once too. But don’t coddle them – let them learn.
At about age 13 I stopped talking to her before or after meets about swimming, unless it was about who was mean to her in the lane or what boy she thought was cute. After races we talked about what we wanted for dinner, or how much homework she had. She would occasionally tell me what her coaches said and what she was going to work on at practice to make the next meet better. I just listened.
13 to 15 was the hardest time for her in the swimming world. Puberty had already happened, so she was done growing and her times stayed consistent. Consistent is good! Most meets we just hoped she would go around her best time within a few seconds. At big meets she would drop time in her better events- thank god for that! Can you imagine training for two years and only dropping a tenth of a second? And now imagine if your the parent of that swimmer?!
Well you are going to be. No swimmer will drop time every meet for their entire life- they are going to have ups and downs. How you react and handle it is important. They will come to you for support and instead of coaching – you should just be there to parent and comfort them. Leave the coaching up to their coaches. After all most parents have no clue what they are talking about!
We have a good relationship now at and away from the pool. She does mention things to me about strokes and her swim race strategy but it comes from her, I do not seek it out. She will be 18 come July and going off to college to swim. Her swimming now is between her and her coaches. I just get to show up and watch her swim. I don’t yell at her or tell her what to do because at this point it is on her.
If I could tell you a few things 8 year old parent – it would be to let your kids have fun, stop talking to them about swimming and just let them find their own way. They will find it – in whatever sport they choose! Swimming is a hard sport and it can be a very lonely sport, so they have to really love it to stick with it – if your kid makes it though swimming in high school then you have done a pretty good job! Most kids quit when it gets hard!
I wouldn’t change anything about my daughter’s swim career, and I was lucky enough to have parents a head of me tell me the struggles of the 14 year old girl in the pool, and how they will peak out, and it will seem nearly impossible for improvement- and then for whatever reason they come out of it at around 16/17 and the drought is over! They finally have improved!
Dear 8 year old parent – it’s ok to cheer and clap, and pace – but as long as its for your benefit and not your child’s. They won’t hear it, and quite frankly I think most kids would be embarrassed if they saw their parents in the stands.
Enjoy the time as a 10 and under – it goes by fast and sooner then later you will be deciding on colleges!
Sincerely,
The parent of a now senior in high school
I would add that if your 10/Under or even 12 yo is a superstar, stay humble. Many of the “10 & Under Wonders” are just early developers. All swimmers have peaks, valleys, and plateaus. I wish I had a dollar for every overconfident parent whose superstar slowed down in high school; I’d be rich and be retired and sipping drinks on an island, not coaching (as fun as it is, it is a tiring job!)
See USASwimming’s piece on this: https://www.usaswimming.org/ViewNewsArticle.aspx?TabId=1503&itemid=4306&mid=11907
The 10 & Under Wonder? 4/3/2012
Several years ago, USA Swimming looked at 10 & Unders who were ranked in the Top 16 and followed the likelihood that they would still be… Read more »
Good article except the air that the author is the perfect swim mom! Do you want a gold medal for being the perfect swim mom? All kids are different, perhaps You had it easier than others because you had better cosches (your friends, who were approachable to you vs young coaches or headstrong head coaches who favor only the top swimmers) and a perfect swimmer, hint a girl, it’s boys who often have attention issues and miss races. Sincerely, another swim mom who has completed the journey with two swimmers
What I say to me 13 year old after a meet:
“I love to watch you swim”
Adam, thank you for sharing that video. Should be required viewing for all parents.
Strength777, you are hilarious. Yes, there are good and bad coaches. If your child has a bad coach, jump teams. Interestingly enough, I have seen many, many “jumpers” who burn their kids out because of their parental neuroses.
These parents are blind to the impact of their own behavior. They don’t hear their child talking to their friends about how they hate to swim, how their mother or father makes them go to workout or how that same parent plays coach in 3x weekly privates plus dryland. However, they do hear the coach and ignore the coach who identified that the 8 year old is overworked and too exhausted to complete a workout or how their strokes are falling… Read more »
Swim coaches don’t generally understand the emotional involvement of parents. We’re parents, many/most of you are not. We want our kids to succeed, and it’s more heartbreaking to see them not, than for us to fail ourselves. We can also be pretty tuned into good vs bad coaching, good vs bad example setting, good vs bad motivational skills. As many of us are professionals and have achieved a level of career success, we are often responsible for employee evaluations, hiring and firing. In our own work we are responsible for mentoring, teaching and motivating. We have some idea what tools are needed for a coach to succeed professionally.
I’m often surprised at how under-whelming coaches can be. They often exaggerate… Read more »
Most sports want parent interaction. My son’s tennis coach asks me to take my son to the court and feed him tennis balls, or let him serve to me. Baseball coaches love boys to catch grounders or pop-ups at home. Many, many fathers help their sons in basketball. There are “crazy” parents everywhere…in sports, school, even fashion…but a normal parent, with normal perspective, knows their child best and we only have them for a few years. I love reading articles and looking at videos with my daughter…some of which are featured HERE, by the way! It’s just fun and lets us have one more thing to talk about. She is very active in school and arts also, which we ALSO… Read more »
She’s the coach’s when she’s wet and mine when she’s dry. That was the first thing I was told by the parent volunteer at the swim clinic when my daughter started swimming 9 years ago. I have been actively involved in club and high school swimming ever since but I leave the coaching to the coaches.
Well said Strength777! USA Swimming and their cabal of coach enablers will do whatever they can to try and reduce the influence of parents over their children. One size doesn’t fit all and you are 100% correct.