North Korean Swimmer Interview

Gary: Today we’ve got a very special guest joining us. I have the honor of presenting, via satellite, 여야 모두 치열한 공천 경쟁을 벌 from North Korea, with us to talk about the state of sport with North Korea Swimming.

David: Can I call you Rodney?

Rodney: …

David:  So, eh, it’s great to have you join us.  What time is it over there right now?

Rodney:  대검찰청 공안부(임정혁 검사장)는 선거일인 일 기준당선자 명을 포함한 선거사범 1천96명을 입건하고 그 중 명을구속했다고 일 밝혔다. (Translator: We are in an era of excellence.)

Gary:  Aren’t we all. I just want to start by saying that I’m a big fan, I really admire the way you handled that pantywaist, 입건된국회의원 당선자, in the 400 IM at your recent Olympic Trial qualification meet. You managed to pull it out and show everyone via closed circuit, state run television programming just how it’s done. With North Korean authority! Tell me, comrade, what is the secret to your training?

Rodney:  경선결과 왜곡을 시도한 사례 등이 적발됐다 (Obedience).

David:  You can say that again, lots of times I go through an entire day without an independent thought of my own.

Gary:  Yes.  You do.  And you will.

David:  Yes.

Gary: Yes.

David: Yes.

Gary: Yes…

Rodney: 절도범으로 오해받아 시비가 붙었다. 선우에게 심한말을 내뱉는 그의 무례한 모습에 지원은 맞대응했고 심지어뺨까지 때렸다? (More questions?)

Gary:  Pipe down, Rodney, I’ll get to you.

Dave: Give him a break Gary, the man’s on cloud nine.

(Turns to talk to Rodney’s Display)

A big congratulations to you on making the team! And, I understand that you just inked a deal with Thunder Muscle, an energy beverage that is outlawed in 112 countries. Congratulations again!

Gary: He’s beaming! It looks like he just won KENO.

Rodney: 수사력을 집중해 신속하게 사건을 처리할 방침”이라며 “금품선거사범, 흑색선전사범 등 민의를 왜곡하고 대의민주주의를 위협하는 주요 선거범죄에 대해서는 고소ㆍ고발 취소에 상관없이 철저히 수사할 것”이라고 밝혔다. (Translator: not quite able to keep up, something about the long range missile in the dark cellar that is your bottom).

Gary: Rodney, I saw that there were 32,118 swimmers competing at this year’s Olympic Trials in North Korea and that every single one of them swam the 400 IM. No other events were even contested. Why is that?

Rodney: 수목드라마 ‘적도의 남자’(극본 김인영/연출 김용수한상우) 8회에서는 풋풋한 버스키스를 나누는 김선우(엄태웅분)와 한지원(이보영 분)의 모습이 그려졌다. (Translator: There is a saying in my country, “He who missile American women had better know how to swim 400 IM”… Something about sports socks, hot dogs and we will launch the missile soon, and hot dogs).

David: Did he just say that they were going to launch a missile?

Gary: Yeah. In the toilet! That’s hilarious, Rod! You’re funnier than Cromster over here! I should be writing this column with you instead.

No, Creamy C, Rodney’s making bold predictions for London. I love this guy! He’s like the North Korean Gary Hall, Jr.!

David: Seriously, Gary, I don’t think he’s joking around…

Gary: Send him to Human Resources then. If this doppelgänger of mine launches a nuclear strike, it’s going to hit Seattle, IF it hits anything at all. Seattle is the closest inhabited place in the United States to North Korea. Alaska would be a waste of a perfectly good nuke.

I’ll be fine though, I swim the 400 IM.

THE AUTHORS: Gary Hall, Jr. has 10 Olympic medals in swimming and represented the United States national team for 15 years. David Cromwell has approximately 10 less Olympic medals than Gary.  But, he is a former United States national team member, having been ranked top 10 in the world in both the 100 and 200 backstroke.