Courtesy: Elizabeth Wickham
Dear Swim Mom:
My 13-year-old daughter doesn’t always respond well or appreciate what I say to her after she races. Do you have any suggestions about offering praise or making comments about swims? How could I better approach this?
—Perplexed Swim Parent
Dear Perplexed,
Many of us have praised our kids, wanting to make them feel good about their races, only to have them let us know that we literally know nothing. It’s not a pleasant feeling, but they may not be happy with their race for reasons that we’re not aware of. Maybe they didn’t follow their coach’s race strategy, or maybe they missed a goal they were shooting for.
The number one tip to remember when praising or commenting to our kids is to praise their effort, not their performance or talent.
There are lots of studies that show that kids who are praised for their efforts develop more confidence than those who are praised for performance. Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D. from Stanford University and author of “Mindset” has done numerous studies showing the benefits of praising effort over talent. In one study of New York fifth and sixth grade students, she offered praise to two groups: one for how hard they worked, the other for how smart they were. The group who were praised for effort were willing to take on harder challenges, while the ones praised for intelligence were more likely to take on easy tasks where they wouldn’t make mistakes and would still look smart.
We should praise our kids, but not over-praise on every little thing they do. When we praise them all the time, they become immune to our words and may not believe us.
Also, it doesn’t help them if we critique their technique or offer tips for better racing strategies. That’s what their coach is for and they need our support as a parent, not our coaching tips.
What other advice do you have for “Perplexed Swim Parent” about commenting after races?
Do you have a question for “Ask Swim Mom?” If so, email Elizabeth Wickham at [email protected] and your question may appear in an upcoming column.
Elizabeth Wickham volunteered for 14 years on her kids’ club team as board member, fundraiser, newsletter editor and “Mrs. meet manager.” She’s a writer with a bachelor of arts degree in editorial journalism from the University of Washington with a long career in public relations, marketing and advertising. Her stories have appeared in newspapers and magazines including the Los Angeles Times, Orange County Parenting and Ladybug. You can read more parenting tips on her blog.
I’m so proud of you… Even if she feels she did badly or is disappointed, I tell her I’m proud of her anyway, that I’m proud she tried so hard, even if she didn’t quite do what she wanted, no child needs to be pulled apart about their race, they generally know what they did or didn’t do and you can prompt them before the next race, but at the time, they just need to know they didn’t let you down or disappoint you, even if they feel they let themselves down. Always focus on a positive: race was bad, but the start and turn was amazing!
As a former swimmer and a current swim parent the best thing you can say to your child after a swim is “I love watching you swim.” That’s it, let them have the rest.
My mother gave me a lot of autonomy regarding my swimming and how committed I wanted to be to the sport. At one point, around age 16, I became very discouraged when a friend of mine was surpassing me in everything. My Mom sat me down and told me that I could be that if I wanted to, and that it would also require me to give up most of the other activities I was enjoying in order to put more meters in. I chose to balance my swimming with my other activities and I ended up swimming D3 in college (my friend swam D1). I never regretted that conversation, or the choice I made as a result of it.… Read more »
Before a meet, I ask my kids if they have any goals for the day. Afterward, I always ask which event was their favorite and why. (I never address whether the goal was met….they know if it was/wasn’t). It is interesting to hear the favorite event, as it isn’t always the event they pr in, but usually a fun relay they swam.
I have found that waiting several hours after the meet to offer any particular critique seems to work well. Discussing ny child’s performance in the car on the way home is not a good idea. Fresh out of their races, a child may take criticism very personally. But several hours later, I find that my child can look at their races in a more neutral way. And if you can couch critiques with positive talk too, so much the better.
There is always “l love to watch you swim,” works in all situations.
I was an age group, high school, and college coach and official for my daughter. My best response to her races, especially during the eras when others were her coach, was: “I love to watch you swim.” If she wanted to engage me in a conversation about her swimming, she could take the lead, but her swimming was hers, not mine. After college, she coached her high school team with me for three 3 years, and it was totally fun to see her continued engagement as a partner.
Swimming dad was important in my life as a teenager. He is deceased now, so the swimming I do at senior olympics he didn’t get to see.
Say.. what did your coach say? Well I thought you looked great. How do you feel about it? Would you like a snack?
I don’t pretend to know the answers as I can miss the mark. But I tend to say things like NotBecky. I’m glad to know I am not the only one. 🙂