Rockvale High School Lowers Standards, Names Tyler Montgomery Head Swim Coach

Courtesy: Tyler Montgomery

In a shocking—though mostly confusing—turn of events, Rockvale High School announced this week that Tyler Montgomery will return as head swim coach—confirming rumors that the school had exhausted every other conceivable option.

The list of candidates who declined the job before it was offered to Montgomery includes a malfunctioning Roomba and a guy named Greg who claims to have seen half of the movie Swimfan.

“I was stunned to get the call,” Montgomery said when reached for comment. “First, they asked if I knew anyone with a pulse that might be interested in coaching a high school swim team.  When I said most of my friends are in prison, they immediately hung up—then called back a few hours later to ask if I’d be interested.”  He added, “This is the biggest win I’ve had since my wife settled for me back in 2021.”

Among swimmers, Montgomery is known as “Coach T,” a nickname often misinterpreted to stand for “Terrible.” “It’s short for Tyler,” he clarified. “But honestly, I get the confusion.”

Despite a coaching resume thinner than his hairline, Montgomery does bring some experience to the role. He previously served as Rockvale’s head coach during its inaugural 2019–2020 season, a tenure best remembered for the team’s inexplicable success despite his involvement. That year, the girls’ squad won a division title—a feat ESPN has called one of the greatest miracles in sports history.

“I honestly thought he was a janitor for most of the season,” one former swimmer recalled. “I could never figure out why he rode the bus with us to meets and gave us really uninspiring pep talks. It was weird.”

Adapting to the technological advances in the sport is expected to be an uphill climb for Montgomery. “I thought SwimCloud was some kind of cryptocurrency,” he admitted. “I spent three hours on the dark web last night trying to figure out where to get it and accidentally bought a leopard from a guy in Estonia. The wife is not going to be happy about that one.” Montgomery was later seen repeatedly shouting, “Alexa, find SwimCloud!” at a TI-83 calculator.

In addition to coaching, Montgomery has somehow maintained employment in the publishing industry for nearly a decade, despite what coworkers describe as “a complete absence of discernible skills.” At home, he’s a below-average father to a young daughter and ranks somewhere between “physically present” and “kind of in the way,” according to anonymous family sources.

“These kids deserve someone who is competent and able to help them reach their full potential,” Montgomery said when asked why he had decided to come out of retirement. “And I’m fully capable of standing around and pointing at things until they find that person.”

ABOUT TYLER MONTGOMERY

Tyler Montgomery had a four-year swimming career, all with the Riverdale High School Water Warriors and is currently the head swim coach at Rockvale High School.  Being a high school swim coach is not nearly as lucrative as it sounds, so Tyler also works in the publishing industry.  He lives in Murfreesboro, TN with his family and newly acquired pet leopard, Walter.