As the Olympic flame was extinguished in London, most of our favorite Olympians heaved a sigh of relief and have currently been thinking, what’s next? Some have their eyes set on Rio, but they are still taking the time off to enjoy what is being called the “Post-Olympic Circuit”. You’ve seen them on the Tonight Show, The Today Show, and partying like it’s 1999 in Las Vegas while attempting to avoid nude billiards tournaments with members of the royal family. Swimmers are hot right now, and that is why I think it is time for some of them to flex that marketing muscle and start putting their name on EVERYTHING they can. I know Biggie said “Mo’ money, mo’ problems,” but this is such a small window for these athlete’s who have trained their entire lives for a few weeks of glory. You want my opinion? Say yes to anyone that approaches you, and if some of our Olympians are a little nervous about what to do, I’ve taken it upon myself to come up with a few ideas that should capitalize on immediately!
Ryan Lochte Wrist Watches
Alright, I know this guy has endorsements and reality shows beating down his door, but I don’t think he will be able to resist this. A line of watches that have, instead of numbers, Ryan making twelve different faces. That way, if someone asks you what time it is, you can be like, “Oh, it’s two o’clochte.” Jeah.
Michael Phelps Brand Lunchables
This is stretching a bit back to ’08, but I’m sure people are still fascinated by the man’s 12,000 calorie diet. That’s why, he should endorse a series of lunchables filled with all of his favorite tasty treats. It will probably come in a container that’s similar in size to the one that holds an Ikea bookshelf, but hey it’s American. People will buy it.
Missy “The Cuban Missle Crisis” Franklin’s Brand of Cuban Cigars
It’s a little wordy right now, but her nickname plays in perfectly for her to have her own brand of Cuban Cigars. Sure they are illegal, but I GUARANTEE you’ll get through customs if the box has her smiling face on it. “Sir, what do we have here…Oh! She is just lovely isn’t she! Call me maybe! Ha! That video was great, surely there isn’t anything illegal in here. Welcome back to America!”
Anthony Ervin’s Baby Tattoo Parlor
Everyone loves a comeback story, which is exactly why Anthony Ervin was so special to watch this past Olympics. He is this laid back dude who made getting an article in Rolling Stones magazine seem like it was no big deal. He also loves working with kids, which is what gave me this idea. Babies look so fragile and weak, just imagine, if your baby had two full sleeve tattoos! No one is pushing him down in the sandbox anymore.
Matt Greevers Adjustable Platform Shoes
Every big basketball star has their own sneaker, so why can’t a swimmer? Only, Matt would never wear his own shoe. These are designed specifically for his fans. It must be hard for poor Matt, having to bend his 6’8″ frame down just to fit into a picture for a bunch of fans that adore him. I want to see Matt repeat as 100 backstroke champion in Rio, so we can’t have him straining anything so you can update your profile pictures! These shoes would look like normal shoes, until you run into Matt Greevers! Then you can adjust them accordingly so you are the same height as this gentle giant. Now you may take your picture.
Tyler Clary’s Help Hotline For People Who Aren’t Named Michael Phelps or Ryan Lochte
There aren’t many people named Michael Phelps or Ryan Lochte, so this is a useful hotline. It must have been hard for Tyler to swim at meets and always have to say, “Oh great, Michael’s in this event,” or, “Awesome, I’m next to Ryan again…” Well all that changed in London when he captured gold in the 200 backstroke! Now he can use his experience to let other people know that, “Hey, you don’t have to be Phelps or Locthe! You can still do stuff!”
The Conor Dwyer Body Dryer
How this product is not in every swimming locker room in the world, I’ll never know, but it is a full body drying machine that you can step into. In a matter of seconds, you’re completely dry! Perfect for those pesky in practice “number twos”. Also, if you read that and said, “Oh that’s gross,” you aren’t fooling anyone, it’s happened to you too…
Also, this works perfectly for that one gross kid who never brings a towel and is always like, “Hey man, can I borrow your towel?” And you’re thinking, “No Stephen, you smell funny.” But you can’t say that because you don’t want to be mean so you just give him the towel, but you know when you get home you’ll have to burn it. That would never happen again. You’re welcome.
Rebecca Soni Playstation
This is basically just a pink Playstation 3. By the way Rebecca, I still think we are dating…
Allison Schmitt’s Line of Cat Toys
Who said anything about sticking to products for humans? Cat’s need stuff too, and I have the PERFECT line for the commercial:
“Your kitten will be Smitten, with Scmitten’s Kittens!”
I don’t even like cats, or own a cat, but I’d buy those cat toys.
Clark Burckle’s Turtle Clothing Line
Sticking with the animal theme, I thought that this could be a great step toward Clark’s future in the fashion industry. It seems clear from his tweets that he is all about swag, so I could see him starting his own clothing line one day but you have to start somewhere. That’s where Burckle’s Turtles comes in! It’s high fashion clothing and jewelry decor for your everyday household turtle!
Nick Thoman’s Voice Hallmark Cards That Deliver Bad News
Who doesn’t love opening a card and hearing a great song, or a personally recorded voice message? Well, there aren’t many cards that deliver bad news, and even fewer cards that have a recording delivering the bad news. But really, how mad could you be when you hear, “You’re adopted,” when it’s said by his angelic voice?
Well guys, those are my ideas. Take it or leave it, but if you take it, I get 45%.
Follow Jesse Kubanet on Twitter here.
Contributor, Jesse Kubanet, started swimming when he was young, because he was heavy and needed to loose weight. Years later, he joined his high school swim team and fell in love with wearing Speedos. He is currently a Junior on the swim team at Wheeling Jesuit University. He will be away from the team this fall, to spend a semester in Chicago participating in the Second City’s semester long Comedy Studies Program. He loves swimming and would love to party with Anders Holm from Workaholics. After college, his dream is to become a comedy writer, especially for Conan O’brien.