Twas The Night Before Taper

Twas the night before taper, when all through the house

Not a swimmer was stirring; their lights were all out.

Their racing suits hung by the front door with care,

For if they forget them; their rear ends will be bare.

 

The swimmers were nestled feeling strange and hairless in their beds,

While dreams of goal times danced in their heads.

Their over-sized swim bags filed with swim meet crap,

Even so, they always seem to forget their cap.

 

At, like, 5:30 a.m. there arose such a clatter,

Their alarm clocks rang out, startling the bladder.

Off to the bathroom, they run with a flash!

Over hydration, turned out to be rash.

 

The time of the morning fills parents with woe,

Why Starbucks can’t make an even larger coffee, they’ll never know.

They trot to the car, suddenly fright does appear,

“I forgot my Gatorade!” exclaims their child. “Please wait right here!”

 

With mom at the wheel, un-lively and un-quick,

They drive to the natatorium. Warm-ups are at six.

By the bus loads all the swimmers came,

To look at the heat sheet and find their lane.

 

“Now! Get in! Get in the water you children!

I’m tired too, but there are no excuses!”

Something a coach would yell if you sit on the wall,

Quick he’s looking! Swim away all!

 

As dry skin sets in, and chlorine burns the eye,

Some begin to regret entering the 200 fly.

Up to the blocks for starts they must do,

Timers are grumpy; water fills their shoes.

 

And then rumblings are heard from the officials on deck,

“There has been a reseed!” What the heck?

Hopefully you don’t get the lane assignments turned ‘round,

Lest you find yourself in the wrong lane as the starting gun sounds!

 

Dressed in a LZR Elite from head to toe,

Actually scratch that, full body suits were ruled out long ago.

As a short male I actually prefer just a jammer,

I’m running out of stamina writing this blather.

 

Swimmers spring to the blocks with the blow of a whistle,

Don’t false start or you’ll be DQ’d by an official.

Swimmers nerves all constrict as they hear from the side,

“Take your mark, go!” It’s taper season time.

 

Follow Jesse Kubanet on Twitter here.

Jesse Kubanet, swimswam contributor

Contributor, Jesse Kubanet, started swimming when he was young, because he was heavy and needed to lose weight. Years later, he joined his high school swim team and fell in love with wearing Speedos. He is currently a Junior on the swim team at Wheeling Jesuit University. He will be away from the team this fall, to spend a semester in Chicago participating in the Second City’s semester long Comedy Studies Program. He loves swimming and would love to party with Anders Holm from Workaholics. After college, his dream is to become a comedy writer, especially for Conan O’brien.

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/rolleyes

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About Jesse Kubanet

Jesse Kubanet

Jesse currently lives in Los Angeles and works as an Associate Producer for Jimmy Kimmel Live. He frequently attempts to "get back in the water" and stops after about 1,000 yards. He performs improv weekly at the iO West Theater in Hollywood with the Harold Team "Dinner Jacket" and his …

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