Thanks to G Ryan for contributing this piece. G is a sophomore at the University of Michigan, and a U.S. National champion in the 800 meter freestyle. They are originally from Kutztown, Pennsylvania and swam for NBAC before starting at Michigan.
I hand in my approved absence form for the Big Ten Championships, notifying my professor at the University of Michigan that I will be missing a week of class. As I turn to leave, my professor stops me asking, “Gillian? Who is that, G?” I cringe and take a deep breath, preparing once again to explain the double life I lead. In every arena except for athletics, I am G. Only in swimming am I unable to assert my genuine identity. Because I identify on the gender spectrum somewhere other than “woman” or “man”, the binary arena of athletics is complicated to navigate.
As a genderqueer athlete, I feel that part of myself is sacrificed in order to participate in the sport I am passionate about. The polar opposites most common, men/women, ladies/gentlemen, etc. all exclude me. Since I am outside traditional labels, the conventional structure seems unable to include me. You could ask, what does it matter? In my experience this exclusion undermines confidence, self-esteem, and motivation. If every day, a little bit of myself is weathered away with the failure to adjust language, I lose pieces that I can’t get back. Athletics demand elite physical bodies, but sometimes fails to recognize the importance of a healthy mind to go with it.
My physical body chafes and itches like an ill-fitting suit, one I can’t take off at the end of the day. This feeling can be exacerbated when I am upset, frustrated, or emotionally vulnerable. Since my appearance doesn’t align with my gender identity or expression, walking around half-naked in a skin-tight suit never helps. To minimize the discomfort, I avoid mirrors as much as possible and wear long shorts and loose shirts when I can.
My teammates and coaches are incredibly supportive, but are hindered by society’s general lack of knowledge about gender identity. At practice other considerations take precedence with so many people involved. At the same time, it is emotionally difficult for me to qualify and change the gendered statements so that I can feel included. It is exhausting trying to be two people at once and conform to the expectations of others. I act as though it’s okay that I am excluded from most conversations when emails, invitations, and congratulations are addressed to the ladies and/or women, because every time it happens I have to remind myself it wasn’t intentional and that it doesn’t invalidate my identity either. When the motivational speech is directed to all of the powerful, strong, and independent women on the team, I have to remind myself that being a powerful, strong, and independent person is good enough.
I want to be able to come into the pool after a tough day of classes and be recognized for who I am, the real me. If I’ve been kicked out of a restroom under the accusation that I’m “in the wrong place”, the last thing I want to do is keep up an act at practice for other people’s benefit. It would be a relief to be addressed with my preferred name and pronouns. I use “they/them/theirs” instead of “she/her/hers” for the same reason I prefer “G” to “Gillian”. It allows me the freedom to be the most authentic version of myself. I smile and accept others’ mistakes, because it is hard to correct them and also because some days I just don’t want to have to explain myself, again. Acceptance is different than respect. I can be accepted although I am different, but using my pronouns and acknowledging my identity means that I am intentionally included rather than inadvertently excluded. It is a challenge to change previously ingrained habits, and everyone makes mistakes, but learning is all part of the process.
I am not a woman or a man, and I shouldn’t have to be. I am a person. A student. An athlete. A teammate, friend, and competitor. I walk onto the pool deck, and use the requisite gendered spaces. I change in the women’s locker room, I grab the women’s practice, and I swim for the women’s team. But I know that even as I do so, I don’t have to pretend anymore. Now, you know that too. Let me reintroduce myself. Hi. I’m G.
Thanks for writing this. It helps to know that I’m not the only one trying to navigate the ridiculously binary world of sports. I’m in kind of a similar boat….I’m into figure skating and have only one USFSA rink within driving distance. No other options. USFSA has men’s/women’s (well “ladies” but I REFUSE to call it that) singles and no other divisions. When I was first getting into the sport, since I was never into sports before and had no idea how heteronormative and binary most sports are, I just had fun learning and didn’t really learn too much about what I was in for. Now that I’m looking into training for competitions, the world feels messier. I always feel… Read more »
Murray Rose, the great australian swimmer, swam as a “master” a long distance race. As his name was mistaken by the secretary of the meeting, and changed in Rose Murray, Murray said he “won this year the women’s and men’s race.” But this posture of G is not accurate and absurd. They are women and men races and this is justified. If she says, for example, as a lawyer or a writer that she does not wanted to be known as man or woman, it is okay, because she thinks with her brain. But in a sport, please!
Somewhat related to these important issues – CBS 60 min today featuring a swimmer from Harvard who swam for women’s team, now for men’s.
Powerful share. Much work ahead. Athletics will have to wrap their head around scholarship and competition performance measures that don’t neatly fit in male – female results.
G,
It has been an incredible gift to get to know you this year, and I look forward to growing in friendship with you. I was floored by your successes in swimming. . . breaking records and winning at such a national level. You end by saying, “I am a person,” and then add, “A student. An athlete. A teammate, friend, and competitor.” YES to all of that.
You are a person and a tremendous one. I can attest to it, and I’m moved by your article, your authenticity, and genuine ways of accepting people, especially when some have not been so gracious to you.
Thanks for being you!
As a young, 16 year old genderqueer person, I thank you for being brave enough for talking about gender identities! It makes me feel a little less alone in this world where everyone seems to have to “fit inside the binary” and where no one understands that gendered terms make me feel physically ill. I’m not going to lie, I genuinely started screamed once I saw this article, and I’m very excited and proud and happy that you come out for who you are! I hope you have a happy and successful life ahead of you, G ^^
I’m so impressed that you were willing to commit the mental/physical energy to engage your team in understanding you and your identity. This is something I’ve struggled with myself a lot. The binary of athletics makes it incredibly difficult to find ways to discuss and incorporate queer identities. Again, I’m so impressed that you have made this commitment to expressing yourself, and I hope you have people in your life that listen to you and support you.
Very well written piece about an important subject not often discussed! Very happy for you and for all that you’ve accomplished and will continue to accomplish. Wishing you all the best G!