By now everyone is aware that Ryan Lochte, Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger, and Jimmy Feigen were robbed in Rio. The story spread like wildfire after Lochte appeared on America’s number one source for news “Access Hollywood Live.” The thing that I find strange about the whole ordeal is that we’ve only heard from Lochte. Why have the others chosen to remain silent? I don’t think we’re getting the full story…
Ext. Nightfall, Streets of Rio De Janeiro
We see 4 American swimmers somewhere between 6-10 feet tall, leaving a party at the France house. They all have gold medals around their necks, only these aren’t real gold medals. They are chocolate gold medals that every Olympic party hands out as party favors. Everyone leaves an Olympic party a winner.
That was fun.
(Mouth full of chocolate)
Wee-wee
Jack Conger sighs. Jimmy Feigen gives him a look that says it all.
Out of nowhere, 4 Brazilian masked ninjas jump out in front of our heroes. They square up each of the athletes, although Feigen looks to his right to see that Lochte is nowhere to be found.
Ninja 1
We are here to rob you.
That’s cute.
Ninja 2
Give us your wallets.
The men reach for their wallets, slowly. There is no need to hurt their assailants…yet.
Are you sure you want this?
Ninja 1 & 2 & 3 & 4
WALLETS!
Bentz
They want this.
Gunnar Bentz hands his wallet over to Ninja 1. The Ninja opens the fine Italian leather billfold and sees the driver’s license that belongs to one “Gunner D. Bentz.” (The D stands for “Danger”)
The first Ninja immediately wets himself. He’s never seen such a bad ass name before. He runs off in fear/shame. Presumably back to his momma’s house.
Ninja 2
No more games!
This coward pulls out a gun. Who brings a gun to a shoulder/lats fight?
Conger
That’s cute.
Conger grabs the barrel of the gun and bends it skyward, as if it were made of rubber (think Hagrid and Vernon Dursley à la Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone).
Ninja 2
Son of a…
Conger then flexes his muscles towards the coward who also wets himself. Ninja 2 then runs off in fear/shame. Presumably back to his momma’s house.
At this point the other two Ninja’s square up Jimmy Feigen. They think the can get him in a rush, but unfortunately for them, Feigen has been on a Jason Bourne kick and watched all 3 Bourne movies (Jeremy Renner’s doesn’t count) on the flight to Rio to catch up before the new movie (Matt Damon Bourne flicks count).
He makes light work of both thugs, using only a tightly rolled up magazine (presumably SwimSwam’s Olympic preview issue) and an Olympic Village hotel pen to beat them within and inch of their lives.
The two remaining Ninjas get up (barely), wet themselves, and presumably run home to their momma (these two were brothers).
Feigen
That was fun.
Conger & Bentz
Oui oui!
They all laugh.
The three turn to find Lochte running towards them. His arms are full of chocolate Olympic gold medals.
Lochte
What I miss?
End.
#allthatmattersisthesafetyofourathletes
Cute story
Seriously? Wtf did I just read? That was painful.
Pretty poor choice writing this.
Ugh. This site (and swimming) jumping the shark already?
One thing is certain in all of this. Jack Conger was definitely robbed in Rio.
Brilliant.
Thought you’d appreciate this one.
News from a reliable source, and here I am quoting. This is not my opinion or what I have witnessed, but my source has stated that Lochte was acting drunk and incoherent, ripping down posters etc. police asked him politely to cease and desist. When lochte refused the policeman drew his weapon. Lochte immediately stopped.
The truth will come out no matter what. Let’s see what happens
And then they took all his cash.
This may be the last time I read Swimswam. Disgusting piece of nonsense.
Calm down
My guess is Lochte made a little joke about getting robbed to his mother, but didn’t expect his mother to take it seriously and who tweeted it out, so Lochte had to play on with the joke/prank.
That would be the most spectacularly horrific judgment. The PR difference between issuing a statement saying, “I was joking, my Mom misunderstood, sorry that I upset her” and swearing out a false report of a crime is huge. Surely no rational 32 yr old would do that to avoid friction with their mom.
This is Lochte though jeah