Often lost in the shuffle of the bustling holiday season is something all Seinfeld fans look forward to every year. That’s right. Festivus is upon us.
December 23 brings us an alternative way to celebrate the season. Or not celebrate. Festivus is a completely fabricated holiday made popular (and in certain circles, totally indispensible) by the 1997 Seinfeld episode, “The Strike.” The holiday had its humble beginnings in a Seinfeld writer’s household growing up, and when he decided to share it with the world, it spread like wildfire.
Looking for an aquatic way to celebrate the occasion? Try this.
Warmup
Construct the Festivus pole
Traditionally an erect, unadorned aluminum rod (picture a depressing, modernist approximation of a Christmas tree), the Festivus pole is an important part of the festivities. Everyone piles their equipment in a giant stack – you’re going for height here, not style points.
Then, swim 500 choice while you mentally prepare yourself for the Airing of Grievances.
The Workout
The Airing of Grievances
This Festivus tradition sees all participants expressing their frustration and disappointment with the world, each other… really anything. That guy who cut you off on your way to practice? That official who DQed your relay? Kids these days? Fair game. Let it all out.
To air your grievances, first retrieve your kickboards from the Festivus equipment pile.
Do 8x200s:
- 150 choice kick – Kicking with a board, your whole head’s out of the water and you can pontificate all you want. Knock yourself out.
- 25 backstroke – With your face out of the water, continue to vent.
- 25 underwater – Use this aurally insulated opportunity to get the really bad stuff off your chest! Plus, you can satisfy your coach’s grievance: the lack of underwaters you usually have in practice.
Oh, then go put the kickboards back in the pile and prepare for the Feats of Strength.
The Feats of Strength
Traditionally, Feats of Strength is where the head of the household (or pool, what have you) challenges others to wrestling matches. The Festivus celebration isn’t over until the head of the household is pinned in the course of said wrestling matches. We suggest a somewhat different tact. Merely thinking about wrestling would probably injure most swimmers, and we just don’t think swimmer-coach wrestling matches are a good idea in any way, shape, or form.
So, kick off the Feats of Strength by recreating the Festivus pole on the other end of the pool. No using the equipment as equipment (e.g. you can’t put your fins and paddles on – you gotta carry ’em through the pool) or walking the equipment around the pool.
Pole reconstructed? Great, now you’re ready for the Feats! Of the Feats listed below, you get to pick one of them to do… Just kidding! You get/have to do all of them. Happy freakin’ Festivus.
- Feat #1: 3 x 400 IM, kick/pullouts to 15m off every wall. Yes, that’s gonna hurt.
- Feat #2: 5 x 100 freestyle, get out and do 5 pushups at every wall. Yes, that’s 100 pushups. Bad shoulders? 10 squats instead.
- Feat #3: 3 x (3 x 75 best stroke / 3rd red line rest), total time for each round is under your goal 200m time. Yes, you’ll have to go fast.
- Feat #4: Snake swim the whole pool (down one lane, back the next, and so on). Yes, you should avoid crashing into other swimmers.
That was fun! Now transport the Festivus pole back to the other side of the pool. (Same rules as before.)
And the final Feat: Get Out Swim! Someone has to go a best time. In a real event. Swimmers, decide amongst yourselves who’s got a shot at it. No one leaves the pool till somebody makes it happen.
Warm Down
Splash around for a little bit and get ready for your Festivus-style feast. There isn’t really a consensus around what constitutes a proper Festivus feast, but you cannot go wrong with spaghetti and meatloaf. The original Festivus supposedly culminated with a cake decorated adorned in M&M’s, so do with that information what you will.
And failing all else, if after this workout if you’re still not feeling the Festivus spirit, sit yourself down and watch yourself some Seinfeld. Happy Festivus, everyone!
At first I read number three without the “m” after the 200, and I was thinking, “that’s not possible…”
I want to try this!!!
Hahaha! I love Festivus! Thanks for this.
Can someone explain Feat #3 for me? Specifically, what is meant by “3rd red line rest?”
Let alone if #3 is even possible.
So, the best I’ve got is that on a pace clock, each ten seconds is marked by a red hash tag. Wherever you come in, you count three red tags and leave on the third one. So, at minimum, 30 seconds rest, at most, 39. (Someone correct me if I’ve interpreted this one wrong.)
To Anotherswimmingfan: #3 is possible if you’re swimming in yards, because the goal time is meters. Not EASY, but possible. So if my goal time in a 200m butterfly was 2:12, I’d have to swim three 75 YARD butterflies at 46 seconds or faster. (Again, someone correct me if I’ve interpreted this one wrong, and/or had faulty mathematics.)
I think you’re on the right track, but actually every five seconds has a red mark, so it would be 15-20 seconds rest.
Yep, you nailed it. Whenever you came in, go on the next multiple of 5 that gives you up to 15 seconds rest. (Feat #3 is terrible. Speaking from experience. And yes, apologies, designed for yards! Adjust as appropriate for meters…)
That sounds even more painful. Ouch.
Hannah… If your time in meters is 2:12, your 3×75’s would need to be 44’s… 46’s would come out to 2:18.