David: Well reader, we have a really special plog for you today, so thanks for tuning in. Instead of Gary and me avoiding work to write this column…this week Gary avoided work…at the OLYMPIC TRIALS.
A pretty special moment for everyone, including those who dream of underachieving at high levels. Gary, how was Trials?
David: Olympic Trials. You were there.
David: Um, I guess. Well, I mean, uh, technically I did just assume that’s why you went to Omaha last week…
Gary: Jumpin’ bro-hosephats!
David: Please don’t tell me you missed it.
Gary: United States Swimming was giving out free milk in the Aqua Zone. Free milk!
David (sarcastically): Too many steaks with Buffett? Or did you get lost in the Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom?
Gary: What happened? Were there animals?
David (nostrils flaring): Dude, there’s no way. There’s just no. No. NO way!
Well, to start, a guy swam longer than he needed to (and still made the Olympic Team), another guy qualified with a seventh place finish, Lezak and Coughlin made the team, Torres didn’t, Grevers was ridiculous, and it turns out (wait for it) that Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps are good at swimming. You didn’t even see Missy “Misdemeanor” Franklin?
Gary: Free milk. What do you want from me, Dave?! I’m a blogger. Blogging is the newest low in Dante’s levels of hell. Do you know where they put you if you walk into an unemployment office and declare yourself a blogger?
It’s not pretty. And you have to put up with people like you…
David (giving Gary the silent treatment):
Gary: We should blog about it now. You know, do a re-cap of the stand-out-swims?
David: If we are one thing, it’s cutting edge. I mean, for all those people out there who read swim sites enough to find out about us, but don’t have the time to follow Trials, I’m sure they could use another recap.
Gary: But I’m a Genniuss on Guinness and you’ve got the tact of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Together we can do the deepest swim blog in blog inferno hell.
David: Gary, you never cease to fail me. Okay, on the off chance one of us has something insightful to say, let’s do this thing. Starting point and Ending Point: My Plea for Olympian Davis Tarwater to come on the column.
Davis, you are amazingly unfunny. But you try, and for that you have my heart. You made me extremely happy when you were named to the team, and I’m sure you’ll kill it. Please. Come on the column. Don’t Big Time Us.
Gary: Ugh! I hate that guy. Seriously. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he politicked his way on to an Olympic Team.
He is responsible for recruiting Mike Bottom away from the Race Club in 2008. That I can live with. However, the announcement was made a couple short weeks before the 2008 Trials. I had invested a lot in building the Race Club program around Mike and had intended to involve myself more with the program as I transitioned out of competition.
Couldn’t this announcement of Mike’s departure have waited until after Trials? Talk about a Mount Olympus sized mind [censored]. Anyway, it’s all Tarwater’s fault. And Davis didn’t even end up swimming for Mike. I can forgive Mike, but not Davis.
More importantly, it’s Davis Tarwater’s fault I’m stuck here in blog hell with you instead of in the FL Keys with Mike.
David: Gary, hate yourself. Not the game.
Gary: And now I hate you too.
David: Anyway, that conversation is going nowhere quickly, so I’m gonna change gears back to the Trials analysis. On that subject, I have a question. Who do you find yourself rooting for?
I mention this because I remember watching Planet Earth, when the wolf is chasing the baby caribou across the tundra. I was rooting for the caribou to get away. I feel the same way at Trials.
Gary: I hope Davis Tarwater gets eaten by wolves. Or worse yet, let’s have him on the Dave n’ Gary column!
David: You idiot. What I’m saying is, I usually end up looking at the third place finisher in every race before I do the first two.
Gary: Classic non-Olympic-Team-maker syndrome. There are pills for that.
David: I went to jail last time you said that.
Gary: That was hilarious. My ears are still ringing from your shrieking.
For anyone other than Davis, though, I understand what you’re saying about the third place finisher. Reworded more simply don’t you mean to just say, “I pity them.”
David: NO! I want to know what they’re thinking, how will this affect their future lives? Are they better suited to life after swimming? Or not? I want to know it all!
But anyway, I’m curious, do you find yourself having any patterns of how you look at results? Do you think to yourself “Yeah, Tony Ervin made it…but I’m better than him. I’m still better than a-n-y-o-n-e!” Beat chest, etc.?
Gary: No. Every swimmer that qualifies for the Olympic Team has my highest respect. And I couldn’t be happier for them, particularly my close friends. And as our last column points out, I respect those at trials that don’t make the team as well.
I’ll be going mental, cheering them all on in London. I find myself beaming with joy for every swimmer enjoying that magical moment of having qualified for the Olympic team, fulfilling a noble and lifelong dream and embracing the reality that they are going to London.
Davis can go to hell. Just as long as it’s a different area of hell that I’m occupying.
David: Davis, don’t waste your time with us. I’ll see you at Saint Peter’s Pearly Gate.