Alex Meyer: What?
Gary: He’s just excited about…
David: My life’s dream coming true.
Gary: …discovering his special purpose.
David: No distractions Finkel, I want to get to the good stuff: a discussion of childhood obesity and the beauty of sport.
Gary: It’s every American child’s birthright to eat as much as a ravenous pig and never exercise. And then we’ll all chip in to pay for the morbidly obese adult’s onslaught of health issues. Birthright.
David: Is that the “Olympic Gold Medalist” speech everyone pays you so much money to give?
Alex: Relax Gary, David is a ginger and has no soul.
Gary: Don’t hate the willow for being a pussy. We are who we are. David would have never chosen to be a fat, boobied, red haired baby. And look, he was able to overcome all of that.
Alex: Fortunately for David and me, we don’t have to stay who we are. This is me at the beginning of my first Ithaca High varsity season in 7th grade.
David: Alex, I see your fat self, and raise you two breasts.
Gary: I love that. David, how is it that you managed to keep your man fun bags while Big Al over there slimmed down in the chest area? And who’s that hot, skinny chick with you? And that dude copping a feel, did that happen to you a lot growing up? I mean, before you met your swim coach.
Alex: They’re called fun bags for a reason, Gary…maybe he wanted to keep them.
Gary: You two must have gotten a lot of attention. The kids with breasts in grade school are always popular. This one kid I went to school with, Sarah; all the kids were smitten. How’d you cope with all of the adulation?
Alex: True story – the prettiest girl in the seventh grade (who I had never met at the time) grabbed my manboob on a field trip. I was mortified. A couple years later, after my transformation into a dashing young man, she was my girlfriend. So…I’d say I coped with it just fine.
David: As for me, I still watch Can’t Hardly Wait…waiting for my Amanda Beckett to show. But, it’s cool, just like I live my swimming dreams through you, Alex, I will now live my dreams of acceptance as well…
Alex: You know David, maybe you should quit whining and waiting for these things to come to you in life. You want your Amanda Beckett? You want acceptance? Get off your ass and go get them. Maybe it is time to lose the fun bags after all.
David: I uh, I wasn’t expecting tough love today.
Gary (ignoring the conversation): It’s perfectly okay to openly discriminate against a smoker in 2012. When folks realize how many tax dollars go towards treating obesity will it be okay to discriminate against obese people that refuse to join the swim team?
David: Nope Gary, not gonna let you do it again. This column will not be hijacked by your agenda-to-discuss-political-agendas.
Beauty, Gary, that’s what we’re talking about here. About the kid who suffered through the teasing, donned the banana hammock, swam with his heart aflutter, and through that painful process, grew into the man that I am today.
David: That Alex is today.
Alex: Is there something about your past that you’re not telling us, David? We’re all being honest here… this conversation is between the three of us.
David: I thought you’d never ask! I wanted to sa…
Gary (cutting off David’s share time, even though he had the conch): Dave, I don’t want to burst your bubble but all kids endure teasing, including skinny, handsome kids with great hair. And especially kids on a swim team. In Speedos. You’re just blaming your fat.
Discrimination doesn’t discriminate. Remember that.
Hey, that rhymes…
In all seriousness, I would like to compliment both of you. We all recognize the growing obesity (and type 2 diabetes) problem. So many kids don’t take that courageous first step of addressing, uh, how shall I say? A propensity towards fat? With enrollment in sport.
(putting on his car salesmen voice) Organizations that I work closely with to address obesity and lifestyle disease, encouraging kids to participate in sport:
If a kid can endure some teasing they’ll go on to enjoy the benefits of an active and healthy lifestyle for the (prolonged) remainder of their days. Like you two fatties.
Alex: In conclusion, lay down thy Twinkie and exercise.
David: No kidding. Alex, did you notice it took Gary 35 seconds to say a very, very basic thought?
Gary: You’re not good at accepting compliments, big guy.
Alex (keeping the peace): Let us remember, “the person who doesn’t scatter the morning dew will not comb gray hairs.”
David: Deep. Anyway, I really enjoyed this everybody. Alex, at two and a half appearances, you are now our official favorite person: good luck with everything and please come back soon.
Gary: Or try to get some of your fast swimmer friends to join us!
Alex: How about my fat swimmer friends?
David: Readers, please join Gary and me for our next column: Swimming as a Means to Stop Doing Most Drugs, Most of the Time.
Gary: It’s “Gary and I,”* Dave. And fat kids, join a swim team! It’s fun! And it’s good for you too!
*No, it’s not.