Don’t Fall In Love With A Swimmer, They Only Offer You Half-a-Heart

While everyone is looking for a soul mate, the swimmer is looking for something different.

We don’t want the other side of the apple, after all…who can get their fill with half an apple? A plate of carbonara or a fiorentina steak (yes, I’m Italian) if you really want to win us over.

Editor’s note: the above paragraph makes perfect sense in Italian. We swear.

If you are fascinated by the creatures that occupy the lanes all around the world, this post is not for you.

Dating a swimmer may not be as awesome as it sounds. Here are the reasons to stay away from swimmers!

1. SWIMMERS SMELL LIKE CHLORINE

They invented the deodorant that covers the sweat, the one that doesn’t stain your clothes and the one that when you spray it you visualize the Miami beaches. A shower gel that is capable of neutralizing the smell of chlorine is not!

Forget things like “every man has his smell”. The swimmer smells like chlorine.

1A. Ruined SENSE OF SMELL

The corollary of point 1 is that the swimmer’s sense of smell is now completely compromised. He will not recognize your perfume that you have researched and had sent directly from Sri Lanka. The only scents he recognizes from a mile away are those of the tuber, I am talking about “french fries” of course.

2. SWIMMERS ARE ALWAYS TIRED

Shall we go shopping? I’m tired;

Do we go out with friends? I’m tired.

If you can then convince him to take you to the movies, he’ll probably fall asleep before the end of the first half.

3. IMPOSSIBLE HOURS

If he says goodnight to you with phrases like “practice  tomorrow at 6 o’clock”, don’t think it’s a romantic invitation.

It means that if you care, the “good morning” must arrive at 5.30 am. During the week you can only meet him at the pool, no use asking to meet outside of that wet world. Want to enjoy your swimmer on the weekend? Pray he’s not busy competing!

4. THEY SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE

If taken individually they can hold a “normal” conversation, when they are in a group they are really unintelligible.

I strongly recommend a crash course in swimming jargon, before getting stuck in conversations with phrases like:

“We were doing a butterfly threshold set today and I crossed arms with my lanemate on the 3rd 75 and now my wrist hurts.” (You did what to a butterfly??)

“today we did a lactate resistance set” (are you intolerant? try soy milk)

5. THEY’RE ALWAYS HUNGRY

The swimmer is like a newborn baby. He must eat every three hours, or “on demand”, depending on the metabolism.

If you’re one of those perennially on a diet, your idea of dinner corresponds to that of snacks. If, on the other hand, you are a slow eater, be careful…he will eat your plate too!

6. THEY HAVE A HALF HEART

I’ve laughed a little so far. But the swimmer loves differently.

The swimmer learns to be enough. They live life holding their breath. He knows the beats of his own heart more than any other person on earth. He controls the beats, he controls his breath, he controls his emotions, he controls his heart.

You will have half of his heart.

The other half belongs to the water.

But when it’s all over, when the pool lights go out and the water becomes a blue board, then it will give in a full way all those emotions to you and only you.

You will be his water out of the water.

If you have to love a swimmer, you have to take his breath away, because after controlling his head, body, and heart, he only wants to get lost, to throw himself in a lane without a line and without a wall to delimit the middle, or the goal.