David: Swim Swam is going to run our column!
David: What should we talk about?
Gary: I’m fresh out of ideas.
David: Well, I’ve been out of the game since I retired, maybe the next column could be me asking you what’s happened in the last two years?
Gary: Let’s just start by you asking me what’s happened in the last two years.
David: So, what’s been happening in swimming over the last two years?
Gary: I have no idea. Something about suits and pedophilia?
And the Olympics are coming up so there is some Olympic Trials stuff going on. It’s when swimming gets kind of popular, so our timing for a swim column is timely…And uh, I’m sorry? I lost my train of thought.
David: Well, there’s no such thing as bad publicity, right?
Gary: Wrong. I don’t know where that expression came from, because there definitely is such a thing as bad publicity. For those who didn’t know before, coaches having sex with their swimmers is wrong, and bad publicity.
David: When you put it that way, it’s hard to see where the confusion came from in the first place.
Okay, moving on. So we’ve got an egregious scandal, something about suits, and the Olympics coming up. Don’t we usually have some doping news around this time too?
Gary: That’s true, Alberto “The Iron Prostate” Contador tested positive. It’s cycling, so, you know, surprise!
David: “Iron Prostate”? I thought his nickname was “Pistolero”?
Gary: It means the same thing when translated. A cycling insider deemed the surrounding circumstances of the case to be “too ridiculous for words” but I pose the question, is it as ridiculous as the outfits those cyclists wear?
Contador did not swim, however, and therefore shouldn’t concern us. I’d just been waiting to make that joke for a while.
David: I’m never concerned by a non-swimmer. But if this guy’s gonna show up around the Masters circuit (see: Lance), I think USA Swimming should spend time and money investigating.
David: (Waits five minutes for somebody to respond to what he thought was a joke): …
David (Changing the subject): Well what else? If two years only took two paragraphs, what’s new with you? I mean, this is the first time in about 20 years that you haven’t been getting ready to win a gold medal. You must be twitching in your sleep with all the extra energy.
Gary: Well, it’s funny you should mention that. It’s funny, because you have no idea what you’re talking about.
David: Go on.
Gary: I will. Writing this column with you is going to be much more anxiety-inducing than any training I ever did.
David: Oh that’s right, you never trained.
Gary: Only by reputation. In reality, I worked twice as hard as any other swimmer in the sport.
David: On what criteria?
Gary: Let me finish my thought, please. I was going to say that everyone should have a friend like you to remind them who their real friends are. How many pencils have you tried to sharpen in your ear this morning?
David: You have answered exactly zero of my questions. Oh, and thanks for asking what’s been going on with me lately.
Gary: Like anyone really cares. Let’s see, law school + Seattle = listening to mopey records and drinking concoctions that are two parts caramel additive and one part fair trade organic espresso. Law, is that even a real thing? It’s like the study of bonergonomics. And how’s conceit treating you?
David: Living a cliché is not always a bad thing Gary. Did I celebrate the 20th anniversary of the release of Nevermind? Yes. Was it raining that day? Probably. Did I enjoy myself? Thoroughly.
Gary: Can you ask questions of yourself and then answer them? Yes.
You’re kind of like that guy from Flight of the Conchords. Except he’s funny. You’re funny like taxes.
Gary (cutting off David): But enough about you, back to the matter at hand. Do you now feel like you can write well enough that Mel won’t fire you?
David: Absolutely not.
Gary: Let’s do this!
End Scene: Dave and Gary jump up and high five each other in the air.
Disclaimer: This column was intended for a mature audience. All referenced characters, organizations, places and events were entirely fictional. The dialogue was the result of ouija board channeling. The views and opinions expressed belong solely to disembodied souls and do not necessarily represent the views or opinions of David Cromwell, Gary Hall, Jr. or the Swim Swam network or any of it’s representatives.