The Gooder Column

David: Gary, we need to talk.

Gary: Speak.

David: You uh, you’re not good at this.  You need to be more like me: stay away from controversial things, find a nice corner of the world to avoid people, stay out of the limelight, and eat local.

Gary: I’m sorry, I just fell asleep. You’re as boring as a Russian novel. In Russian.

David: Do you know how afraid I am to check my inbox after the stuff you write?

Gary: David, the only thing that has kept me alive is a bad habit of laughing when I’m not supposed to.

David (said in progressively higher pitched voice): What. An interesting. Thing . . . to say?

Gary: What can I say? Sometimes words just poop into me head.

David: Gary, what’s wrong with you man? I think you’re pretty funny without being purposefully Larry-the-Cable-Guy’ish. We got in a lot of trouble with the DP column, it’s really hurting my political career.

Gary: That was an awful video! And idea.

I once thought about running for office, but I’m much happier being me. With the current state of affairs, public office is as enticing as skydiving without a parachute. I’m glad you’re considering it though…

In my view, “Point? Counter Point.” is the best effort at swimming humor schtick. A gold medal effort. And the classiest. It’s a micro-niche market with no other competition to speak of with the exception of Peter Busch and Mark Spitz. A classy effort nonetheless.

David: I just feel that there is something more that we should offer our readers, as far and few as they may be.

Gary: From the cocoon of class, a butterfly of humor is born. Mark my words, David, one day I will write something beautiful that will make you regret not co-authoring a romance novel with me.

David: What can we talk about that will inspire our readers? The Olympics are coming up and we should do something to get people excited about swimming.

Gary: This short video will inspire you.

David: You’re right.

Gary: You just replaced my video with a Swayze photo!

David: Patrick, you are missed.

Gary (bows head in dejected confusion): …

David: Anyway, Gary, you’re turning this plog into a 500 word Tosh.0 episode. I don’t think there’s any more room for untalented people to discuss Youtube videos on the web. So let’s talk swimming!

Gary: What’s a plog? Or Tush.0?

Barf begets barf. Therefore I barf. Why don’t you cut that rambling, self-important, politically correct, mumbo jumbo, horse spit out? Be funny for once in your life!

Why don’t you just relax? Slip into something a little more comfortable. Pour yourself a glass of white wine and check this out!

David: It just seems like we’re so mismatched…

Gary: Oh my God… Are you breaking up with me? Before you say another word I want you to watch this video. It’s going to make everything alright with us. It’s about swimming. Our readers will like us again. Just watch.

David: Okay, that was the funniest thing I’ve seen, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut. Nobody wants to read Youtube links.

Gary: Nobody wants to read. Period. Especially our fecal fodder.

David: I just wish that you’d take this column, and our collaborative relationship, a little more seriously.

Gary: You’re right. I’m going to dim the lights, light a scented candle, and I want you to give me one last chance to prove myself to you. I want to be good. I want to do the right thing. I want to inspire swimmers to care about swimming. It’s really important stuff and I need to be better. If you don’t forgive me, then fine. I’ll just go. You can leave me for another journalist, a younger writing partner with a faster spellcheck.

David: Okay, how about you use your amazing contacts in the swimming world to get an Olympian on to our column?

Davis ignored me. I feel small.

Gary: Why do you deserve to talk to an Olympian?

David: Nobody does, that’s why I want to do it!

Gary: I sometimes don’t talk to myself for hours, just to delay the pleasure of doing it. Among other things.

David: Come on man, I put up with you like 1.5 times a week.

Gary: Whatever David wants, David gets. Kara Lynn Joyce booked.

David: You just did that?

Gary: Uh huh.

David: How?

Gary: Brain.

David: Okay, you scratch my brain, I’ll scratch yours. Send us off with something stupid before you save the day with Ms. Joyce?

Gary: Once, in high school, I pooped in the warm down pool to shut down a swim meet I didn’t want to be at.

David: …

Gary: Okay, that’s all the time we have for today’s column. Dave, you have anything else you’d like to contribute?

David: …

Gary: Nothing. Again. Somebody check that guy’s pulse. I should have taken Gold Medal Mel’s advice and written this column with an inflatable doll.