Keepin the Scam Going: Peter Vanderkaay

David: Peter?

Peter: I’m here.

Gary: Peter?

Peter: Uh, Dave?

David: Vanderkaay, you idiot!

Gary: Good, we’re all here.

I’m ill tempered because I had to read distance swimming message boards to research our next guest.

Peter Vanderkaay swam on three Olympic teams (2004, 2008 and 2012). He has four Olympic medals, a couple of them gold!

… Huh? Apparently we were on an Olympic team together?!

Peter: Yes, that’s right. If my memory serves me correctly, we actually did a practice together at training camp. Nobody will ever believe that.

Gary: And those were some good times!!!

David: Relax Kimosabe.

Peter: So I was recently invited to walk the Mackinac Bridge with the Governor of Michigan. Should I use this interview as a stepping stone to run for office?

Gary: Right Now! I’m appointing myself your campaign manager! You are going to run for Prez’dent of the United Statez of Zuper ‘Merica! Weez Gunna Run Zem Bumz Outta Wazzington!!!

PVK on the campaign trail in 2012! 2012, BABY!!! This guy, Peter Vanderkaay, is electable! I can see the smear campaign now…

David: Good lord. And what accent was that? Peter, does this guy ever shut up?

Peter: I grew up with three brothers so I’m totally used to it. Not sure I’ll win this election though…

Gary: DON’T BE A SANDBAGGER! Vote for VANDER (pause) Kaaaaaaay!

… Carpet Bagger? No.

Tea Bagger!!!

David: Gary, please stop.

Gary: David, I’m not going to let this go! We’re surging in the polls!!! We’re going to be President of the United States!!!

Best if you proceed without me in wrapping up this interview. I’ve got things to do! I’m riding this ruckus horse all the way to the White House Corral!


(packing furiously and mumbling) A vote for PVK is a vote against rape!

David (pregnant with embarrassment and trying to keep Peter in the chatroom): Peter. We’re friends, and I hope you know how big of a fan I am of yours. Take me through your Olympics. What is your satisfaction level at?

Peter: My experience in London was incredible. I think I have to rate it as my favorite Olympics thus far. London is such a cool city. Also, the organizers really did a nice job with the little things that benefit the athletes. Things like quick bus rides to the venues make a big difference.

In terms of my swimming, I was really happy with the result. My 400 was good and I was able to get on the medal stand. As a team we really dominated too, which was awesome to be a part of.

Gary: Peter…

David: Pipe down!!!! Speaking of your 400, I read that you had to really focus to hold yourself back from going out with Sun and Park. Gary talks a lot about bravery, and I just thought that was a very brave AND smart thing to do. I think that going out strong and finishing eighth is too glorified in this country.

Gary: Peter, are you for or are you against rape?

David: Sorry Gary, I actually want to know a few things about PVK here. Peter, what have you done since the Olympics and what’s up next for you?

Peter: Well after the swimming portion was over, I stayed in London to savor the experience. After closing ceremonies, Davis Tarwater and I went to Dublin for a few days to see the city and play some golf. Then, I flew back to Gainesville and drove my car back to Michigan, which was mind-numbingly boring.

Gary: Like David Cromwell. I make that Crommute weekly.

Peter: Up next, besides running for President, I’m going to take a little bit of time off and determine if I want to keep swimming or not. I’m going to stay in shape though. Also, I have a lot of traveling to do in the coming weeks so I’m going to enjoy that as much as possible.

Gary: Mr. President, do you think a man and a man should be able to get married?

Peter: Yes, but aren’t you already married, Gary?

David (savoring Peter’s zing): HA! Eat crow Hall, Jr.! Peter, do you care to share any funny or humiliating stories about Gary with our audience? A humiliating one would be good.

Peter: In 2004, Gary told our van the story about the time he had a colonic. It was one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard. Maybe he should tell it?

Gary: Have you ever performed or cheered on an abortion, or colonic?

Peter: No.

David: I don’t see how any of this relates to a swim plog!

Gary: It’s an election year! It’s time Peter owns up to the REAL issues! Right about now we’re getting elbow deep in politics!

Peter, you’re welcome to join me for a discharge anytime. We could even set up our campaign headquarters at the colonic clinic. It’ll save us commute time. I’ll talk to Esteban to make sure everything’s cool with that.

David (punching his forehead): Before we leave, I have something I want to address. Peter, we asked you to come on this plog, and you did. You have approximately 89 World Championship and Olympic Medals. Davis Tarwater has one. What makes you a fantastic person and Davis a big-timer?

Peter: I guess you can blame my parents for me…Davis is a great guy who is a lot of fun to be around. I’ve been good buddies with him since freshmen year at Michigan. Making the Olympic team was long overdue since he was so close in 2004 and 2008. It was really fun to be on the 2012 team together. He swam great too.

What makes him a big-timer? Maybe a question for the ladies…

Gary: Wait. What’s our ticket?! Are we a Repuli-Can’t or a Dumb-a-crap? Or a Tea-Bagger?

… Guys, I think we should start our own party.

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Darth Vader
11 years ago

How did you hold off from making Tarwater comments?
Herculean restraint.
I would applaud you, but I do not appreciate, nor condone good behavior.

Maybe there was come Cromwell editing… Hmm…

11 years ago

Nooo Peterrr don’t retireeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11 years ago


(PVK = BA)

(Gary, this is called math. You never had to do any of it because you only swim one lap.)

Reply to  B.
11 years ago

Limited math ability was the reason why I swam only one lap. Even counting to two was a challenge. However, your math adds up to me. Totally clear. Keep punching bad in the face for me, B!

About Gary Hall, Jr. and David Cromwell

Gary Hall, Jr. Gary Hall, Jr. has 10 Olympic medals in swimming and represented the United States national team for 15 years. He is currently an active healthcare consultant with a focus on diabetes care providing board support, strategic alliance, marketing and public relations strategy, international sales and distribution services, advocacy, …

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