Dear Gary, Come home. Please?


Sent On: Thur, Jun 7, 2012 at 10:33 AM

Dear Gary,

Please come home.  You see, things haven’t gone as well as I thought they would since you left.  First off, LauraVal broke your world record again.

But, really, I’m writing you because I miss you.  I mean that man, I do.  I know, I know, some things were said.  But, you know how I get baby, I just want us to be great, and you just make me so angry sometimes.  I mean, you can be a real *&#@.

Anyway, could you please write me/us back?  Come on, do it for our fan.

Meekly yours,


P.S. Just do me one favor, could you make it a real letter?  Not one of those emails you always send where you just go off on something stupid?


Sent On: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 4:16 AM

Dear Intern,

I’m sorry, I didn’t read your letter.  But I have a story worthy of a chain email over here in the Caymans:

The words “Code Brown” quietly and rapidly reverberated among the Ritz Carlton staff working the clover shaped swimming pool.

Then, suddenly, inexplicably, a wheelchair whooshed a Speedo’d Steven Tyler in front of my lounge chair, knocking my four year old son headlong into the pool and causing me to spill the umbrella from my brightly colored adult beverage.

A gentle Grand Cayman tropical breeze rolled over and pushed a mysterious brown speckled slick, marring the otherwise crystal blue waters.

Out hustled a seasoned staff of four unfurling a roll of blue plastic tape marked WE CARE, while another five “lifeguards” solemnly instructed guests to promptly exit the pool.

I had no idea what was going on (par for the course). “Who wears that much makeup to the swimming pool?” is what I was thinking as I repositioned my little umbrella.

Wait… Did Steven Tyler just poop in the pool?

Then came the specialists, the lowest rung of the Ritz Carlton staff caste, an amiable woman with a calm smile and a net. Accompanied by two others in sunglasses, providing the moral support necessary in this line of work, she began extracting the more solid remnants from the deep end.

“I can’t believe Steven Tyler just pooped in the pool!” I started yelling.

“Look! Look! There goes our good time!!!” I shouted, pointing at the genteel woman carrying the contents of her net away to a secret room in the basement of the Ritz Carlton with rows of shelves displaying marked glass containers preserving the “samples” of such celebrity incidents.

I came to the Grand Cayman Islands with my family to holiday and participate in the 20th annual Flower Sea Swim, an incredible one mile open water swim. There were 830 swimmers. It was an outstanding event and a Grand time.

I depart the Grand Cayman Islands with the answer to a question I asked Alex Meyer (current Flower Sea Swim course record holder) in a previous Dave and Gary column. What does open water offer the swimming community that the pool can’t provide?

Answer: One can poop freely in open water without the embarrassment of shutting down the pool, ruining family vacations and keeping swimmers from enjoying their sport for the next 24 hours.

Nothing ruins a good time like poop in the pool.

Leave a Reply

Notify of

oldest most voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
10 years ago

Debbie Phelps would, assumingly, not approve.

10 years ago

Poop away!

10 years ago

Note to editor: It’s “rung” instead of “wrung” and you forgot to include the picture of the taped off pool and a cosmetically taut, poop smear bottomed Steven Tyler. Be home soon, Sweety.

About Gary Hall, Jr. and David Cromwell

Gary Hall, Jr. Gary Hall, Jr. has 10 Olympic medals in swimming and represented the United States national team for 15 years. He is currently an active healthcare consultant with a focus on diabetes care providing board support, strategic alliance, marketing and public relations strategy, international sales and distribution services, advocacy, …

Read More »