“I’ll Eat My Goggles” – an Act of Penance from a SwimSwam Reader

America’s favorite pastime: making bold claims about sports on the internet, and then declining to follow up on those assurances if or when they don’t come true.

But here at SwimSwam, we have a special respect for people who are willing to be held to account for their flaming hot (or ice cold) takes.

One such take was levied by “Willswim,” as part of a debate related to the impending battle between college stars Maggie MacNeil and Kate Douglass, and whether Douglass would leave the meet with any wins at all.

After “ALEXANDER POP-OFF” proposed (but did not declare) the possibility of the Virginia sophomore Douglass leaving the meet “without any wins,” “Willswim” thought he would lob a pedantic response about individual wins, assured of what seemed like a softball proposal that Douglass would almost surely win a relay, given that the Cavaliers were entering the meet with the top seed in all 5 of them and were NCAA Record breakers in the 200 medley at the ACC Championships.

In fact, Virginia did win a relay, though it was the 800 free relay that they won. Douglass wasn’t on that relay.

And in fact, Douglass did come away with an individual event win, in the 50 free, though MacNeil did come out on top in both the 100 fly and 100 free.

And of course they both missed the most obvious “win” that Douglass came away with from the meet: the NCAA team championship, the first in Virginia’s history.

But where Willswim veered way off course was accompanying his confidence about the outcome with a penance. It was a penance he thought he might never have to ante up, but it was a penance to eat his goggles. Not the more palatable “I’ll eat my shorts” (would edible underwear count?) or even “I’ll eat my hat” (I think I could choke down a bite or two of one of those straw hats, if roasted over an open fire).

Nobody ever guarantees that they’ll “eat their ice cream” or at least “eat their lima beans” if they’re wrong.

But Willswim went with goggles. Pure plastic and indigestible silicon.

But Willswim, in spite of not perhaps being a brilliant prognostiactor of swimming (he placed just 194th in the women’s NCAA Pick ‘Em Contest), is a man of his word.

While he couldn’t stomach, literally, the thought of actually trying to eat an entire pair of goggles, he made an effort worth lauding.

Sacrificing a pair of Swedes to the SwimGods, WillSwim put a bite of strap into his sandwich, and chowed down. While perhaps not a complete ingestion of a pair of goggles, the effort has absolved him of his transgressions, freeing him without heavy conscience to declare a future certainty.

For future reference, we do accept donations to your favorite swim charity instead of actually eating an article of clothing. Here’s a list of suggested charities. Don’t eat your goggles. 

Below, read Willswim’s letter of apology, and some pictures of the deed.

Dear Mr(s). SwimSwam,

Hi! I’m the guy who stupidly boasted that he’d “eat his goggles” if Kate Douglass wasn’t on a winning relay at NCAAs this year. As you know, she wasn’t. I don’t know if I was overexcited about a tremendously talented young swimmer on the best team, if I was trying to amuse or gain favor with the SwimSwam commentariat (that’s a thing), if I just have too much chlorine in my brain, or if it’s a combination of all those things, but it doesn’t matter. I said what I said and now here we are.

I believe there is no greater coward than a liar. I was an average-to-below-average D3 swimmer in the late 90’s, so obviously, my opinions in the SwimSwam comment section hold A LOT of weight with the swimming community worldwide. I can’t have the honorable name Willswim besmirched! That’s why I think it’s important that I hold up my end of this nonsense accord I made with no one in particular. How hard could it be? Rumor has it that Joseph Schooling regularly eats four or five pairs of goggles a day IN PRACTICE!

I chose a pair of Swedes. Ultimately, I couldn’t figure out a way to eat the hard plastic lenses without potentially lacerating my bowels so I abandoned that idea and decided to only eat the rubber strap. I don’t know what rules karma and the SwimGods (Dean!!!) will use to judge me, but my hope is that even though I wasn’t eating the entirety of my googles, they would look kindly on my attempt.

My plan was to cut the strap into little pieces and put them on a sandwich. I was hoping the sandwich would be both substantial enough and flavorful enough to mask the rubber. It wasn’t. I took one bite and unchewable rubber was the most obvious thing in my mouth! Quickly I realized the rubber pieces I’d cut were way too big and this was going to be a more difficult and unpleasant experience than I’d anticipated.

I was able to swallow two pieces of rubber goggle strap before I gave up and removed the remaining athletic wear from the remainder of my meal. I could not do what I had promised and begrudgingly accepted that my comeuppance would be the second difficult thing I had to swallow that day.

I did consume a small portion of my goggles, but probably not enough to think I’d still be welcome on a pool deck ever again. Sadly, in the end I failed and didn’t eat all of my goggles. My deepest apologies go out to SwimSwam, the SwimSwam commenters, Kate Douglass, Todd DeSorbo, Mel Stewart, my parents, sandwich eaters, Sweden, and all other legends of the swim.

Yours with my best streamline,
Willswim

 

21
Leave a Reply

Subscribe
Notify of

21 Comments
newest
oldest most voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
swimmerswammer
2 years ago

absolute mad man

Willswim
2 years ago

No distress to report. About 10 years ago some friends dragooned me into trying those glitter poo pills you may have seen in gag gift ads, and they didn’t cause me any problems either so I think I might just have an iron constitution. Eat your heart out Katinka!

FYI- Glitter Poo Pills don’t work incase anyone was thinking about trying them. Also, don’t do drugs.

Ol' Longhorn
2 years ago

This was hilarious. Also great that it was a bet on women’s college swimming instead of whether Dressel ate lunch, MA dies on freestyle in the 2 IM, or Cody dolphin kicks. And it’s been awhile since we had a “Schooling in practice” joke. It was due.

ALEXANDER POP-OFF
2 years ago

Wait! I got a mention on swimswam?! I am ready to be sponsored by SPEEDO. 🙂

Willswim
Reply to  ALEXANDER POP-OFF
2 years ago

And now I need to apologize to you for leaving you out of my original apology 🤦. I’m sorry! I’ll eat breakfast if I ever dare to question you again.

Khachaturian
2 years ago

I had a dream that Dean Farris was the actor for Superman in the new Justice League movie…… maybe he is a god

DCC Parent
2 years ago

Props for not just following through, but going old school with a pair of Swedes.

Last edited 2 years ago by DCC Parent
moddiddle
2 years ago

These were your goggles right? I.e your kid isn’t going to say to their coach “My dad ate my goggles”

DMacNCheez
Reply to  moddiddle
2 years ago

Super underrated comment

swimfan210_
2 years ago

Willswim, you have become a Swimswam commenting legend now. Mad respect to you for actually doing this! I thought it was impossible and everything was a joke, and it never occurred to me that any parts of goggles would be edible, but that was amazing (even if it was just two tiny pieces). This is how it works in the swimming world!
Also “Rumor has it that Joseph Schooling regularly eats four or five pairs of goggles a day IN PRACTICE!” Lol.

Willswim
Reply to  swimfan210_
2 years ago

Thanks! It’s fun to be a part of this site. A large chunk of my swimming knowledge comes from the really smart commenters on this site. An even larger chunk of my swimming smarm comes from them.

Willswim
Reply to  Willswim
2 years ago

*Snark

About Braden Keith

Braden Keith

Braden Keith is the Editor-in-Chief and a co-founder/co-owner of SwimSwam.com. He first got his feet wet by building The Swimmers' Circle beginning in January 2010, and now comes to SwimSwam to use that experience and help build a new leader in the sport of swimming. Aside from his life on the InterWet, …

Read More »