Space Swam

Jesse Kubanet
by Jesse Kubanet 2

August 07th, 2012 News

After Michael Phelps wrapped up his historic career as the greatest Olympian of all time, he stated how he had always admired the greatest basketball player of all time: Michael Jordan. Now, as Phelps is the greatest swimmer of all time, it is only right for MP to follow in the exact same footsteps as MJ. No, I’m not talking about a mediocre stint as a baseball player, I’m talking about the big screen! After “His Airness” totally killed it in the 1996 classic film Space Jam we here at SwimSwam feel that it is only right for “His Flyness” to follow-up with his own Looney Tunes sports movie called Space Swam. Let’s forget the fact that most kids now-a-days probably have no clue who the Looney Tunes are, and realize that MP needs to strike while the iron is hot. This movie will probably lose all of its potential if we don’t act fast! Swimming is on top of the world right now, and people will relate to it, kind of like how my mom called spaghetti and meatballs “maccaroni and gravy” for a good year after The Soprano’s finale. We aren’t even a little bit Italian. My point is, we need to crank this thing out.

Michael spoke to Bob Costas about how he is going to channel his competitive nature into other things, like golf. Perfect. The stage is set for the opening scene. He’s on the course with Bill Murray (duh), Ryan Seacrest, and Lil Wayne. I’d pay to see that. Anyway, Michael hits a great shot that lands inches from the cup. They approach the green and he taps in for Birdie. Lil Wayne makes a joke, but no one can understand what he’s saying, so they laugh nervously. Michael reaches into the hole for one of his monogrammed golf balls that have “GOAT” monogrammed on them, when he is pulled in by none other than…Bugs Bunny. Cue up the Space Jam Quad City DJ’s theme song remixed by Weezy. Seacrest plays it as the number one song on Top 40 for the next month, and everyone starts to hate it, but for now it’s still pretty cool.

Bugs Bunny informs Michael that the Nerdlucks are back and their boss Mister Swackhammer (Danny DeVito) has stolen the swimming talents of Ryan Lochte, Matt Grevers, Nathan Adrian, and Cullen Jones. He is now challenging the TuneSqaud to a 4 x 100 freestyle relay race for their freedom. The TuneSqaud have only one chance, and that is to enlist the help of the greatest swimmer of all time. Michael texts Anthony Ervin and tells him he can stop eating his fins, because he’s out of retirement. Ervin is thrilled because after eating the first fin, he had a terrible case of heartburn. He was later sponsored by Tums, and got the logo tattooed on the last remaining spot on his arm.

Michael knows that it will be a tough race, and he only has a few days to train this misfit bunch of cartoons to become champions. He has Bob Bowman write a practice for the tunes to see who he could possibly use to beat the Monstars, who are all now three inches taller than Grevers, which is terrifying. Not surprisingly, Daffy Duck is a natural, so he’s in. Bugs shows some promise, so he too is placed on the relay. The two get into a heated debate about whether it is rabbit season or duck season, and Michael hit’s them over the head with a sledge-hammer; there is work to be done.

Unfortunately, Speedy Gonzales’ speed does not translate well to the water. Neither does the Road Runner. He decides to use Wile E. Coyote because…dude needs a win once in a while.

The day of the race arrives. Rowdy Gaines and Dan Hicks are on hand, and Rowdy will not stop talking about how “On paper, the TuneSquad has NO CHANCE, Dan, NO CHANCE!” To distract the Monstars, Michael has Bill Murray dump a Baby Ruth in the pool. Everyone screams “DOODIE!” and then Granny hits Sylvester with a rolling-pin for going near Tweetie. Bill Murray dives in, grabs it, and takes a bite.

“It’s no big deal!” he says. The Monstars are clearly shaken…

Marvin Martian calls the swimmers to the block, “Mmmm yes…very interesting swimmers…mmm take your mark…” and they’re off! It’s Wile E. C0yote verses the faux Matt Grevers. They are dead even at the 50, until the Monstar kicks Coyote as they flip. It’s exactly like that scene from Pride which is a reference that probably even fewer people will understand than the Caddyshack reference.

The Monstars have a slight lead as Bugs dives in after the swimmer who stole Ryan Lochte’s powers. The Monstars seem to be pulling away. The Cullen Jones Monstar dives in as Daffy Duck is on the block Michael simply says, “Get me close.”

“Right boss!” Yells Daffy, spraying Michael with saliva. He is able to cut the lead to half a body length. Michael is about to race the Nathan Adrian imposter, the stadium is going NUTS!

Cut to Michael’s mom, Debbie Phelps, she can barely watch. His sisters are going crazy. Bob Bowman is furiously writing down splits, wishing that they would have gone with Foghorn Leghorn instead of the Coyote, who was hit by an anvil shortly after his swim. Cut to Grevers, Jones, and Adrian who desperately want their powers back, cheering for Michael with all their might! Cut to Ryan Lochte, who is ferociously making out with Lola Bunny.

Michael dives in, he’s behind at the turn, but his streamline is no match for the Monstars. It comes down to the last 15 meters. “HE’S FADING DAN! THE MONSTAR IS FADING!” shouts Rowdy Gaines. He is right, the Monstar’s were no match for the greatest Olympian of all time. Michael Phelps wins one last race, freeing the Looney Tunes from the Nerdlucks once again, and bringing some of the most beloved cartoons back into households everywhere.

A few days later, Michael walks to the side of a pool where Grevers, Jones, Adrian, and Lochte are splashing around aimlessly, wearing water wingies, as they have not gotten their powers back yet. Michael pulls a glowing speedo from his bag, “Here, you boys may need this for Rio.”

“That looks weird, Mike,” says Jones.

“Just touch my speedo dude,” he says.

The boys are reluctant, but they do, and suddenly, they are the fastest swimmers in the world again. The U.S. Olympic team’s hopes are alive once again for Rio in 2016.

“So Mike,” says Grevers, “Does this mean you’re back?”

“No man, that was my last race.” Lochte looks relieved.

“So, what are you going to do?” asks Adrian.

“I think I’m just going to work on my golf game…” the greatest Olympian of all time turns to the camera. He winks. Cue Lil Wayne’s “Space Swam” remix featuring Drake, Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross, Will Smith, Tyga, The Rolling Stones, Adele, Ice Cube, Snoop Lion, Diddy, P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, Tupac’s hologram from Coachella, Eminem, Paul McCartney, and Carly Rae Jepsen.

Roll credits.

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Hilarious….I would watch it just to see those guys on the big screen. And who wants to miss Bill Murray taking a bite out of a dookie Baby Ruth…Again?

lol @ anthony ervin and tums

About Jesse Kubanet

Jesse Kubanet

Jesse currently lives in Los Angeles and works as an Associate Producer for Jimmy Kimmel Live. He frequently attempts to "get back in the water" and stops after about 1,000 yards. He performs improv weekly at the iO West Theater in Hollywood with the Harold Team "Dinner Jacket" and his …

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