by Olivier Poirier-Leroy. Join 9,000 other swimmers and coaches who receive his weekly motivational newsletter (for free) by clicking here.
For those swimmers who have hung up the tech suit there will always be our local lap swims.
Even though our lives have transitioned towards career and family we will still always have the neighborhood pool for when we want to remind ourselves of how great a shape we used to be in, of the memories we created over the years, and to maintain even a fraction of the fitness we once held.
The transition to public swimmer– although you will ever publicly call yourself as such, you are a former competitive swimmer– means trading in the two-a-days for “I’ll get out when I feel like it.”
Here are 10 of the swimmers you will run into at your local lap swim:
The Manatee. You’ll notice the lifeguard paying particularly special attention to this individual, who floats along lifelessly with the tiny current of the pool. Favorite strokes include floating on the back, and floating on the front.
The Kleenex. Not limited to just public lap swim sessions, this individual has mistaken the pool for a 6 lane x 25m personal Kleenex. Even over the thrashing of your stroke you can still hear him hocking a massive loogie. Gross.
The Three Blind Mice. Public swimmers who will walk, swim, or float across your lane, completely oblivious to the fact that you are swimming laps in said lane. Most often you catch yourself stopping and waiting for them to complete their cross, even though in your head you just did a race-speed flip turn right onto them.
The Lifer. This swimmer has been attending this exact lap swim session for the past 18 years, always using the exact same lane. Any deviance from their lane of choice results in a healthy amount of death glares. Often times the Lifer will stand on the pool deck and stare and wait for trespassers to finish using his lane.
The Racer. This swimmer will wait for you to turn, then push off right beside you in order to give you their best shot. Coming close to beating you in a 25m “race”—even though you are mid-warming up—is cause for them to turn and pump their fists in celebration for their friends to see.
The Anti-Merger. Not limited to just lap swims, the Anti-Merger has a decidedly skewed view of how fast they are going. This means they will repeatedly push off right as you are about to come into the wall. Every time this happens I cannot help but wonder if this is how they merge when they are driving.
The Anarchist. Most lap swims sessions will have clearly laid-out instructions for which direction swimmers are expected to swim. Up the middle, down the lane lines. Or vice versa. It’s the order of things. The circle of life. The Anarchist conforms to no such rules or norms. They will jump in, and swim up and down the wall, they will zig-zag, or simply swim exactly against the posted lane direction. If we don’t have lane directions, we are no better than animals!
The Aqua Jogger. If there is a dive tank, use it. If there is a leisure lane, use it. The fast lane? Unless you are going to strap on a jet pack to that aqua belt, don’t even think about it.
The Pool Diva. It might seem weird to us, but there are people who go to the pool and expect not to get their hair wet. Or faces. Or freshly manicured eyebrows. Typically this “swimmer” will do a couple laps of extra head up breaststroke, and give you the death glare of a thousand suns if you splash their sweet new do or face.
The Former Prodigy. (You, right?) This swimmer comes out on deck with a bag full of gear, water bottle plus mid-workout shake, and a workout to be scrawled on the white board. Known to instill looks of worry and fear amongst the more casual lap swimmers. Instantly commandeers the fast lane while dreaming of glories past.
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the kleenex is my least favorite
The buttertryer,
This person has been trying to getthe hang of the most impressive of strokes for years now but still hasn’t goten the hang of anything other than “move your hands simultaniously over the water”.
Fun to watch, not so fun to share a lane with
The Socialite
Definitely comes to swim. Does a set and then finds a neighboring racer or former prodigy to spend 15-20 minutes just talking and reminiscing.
Also known as, “The Wallhanger”.
Spends more time hanging on the wall, than in the lane….
The worst is a pair of wallhangers – who came together mind you – so they could each occupy a lane while they stand and chat for 20 minutes between 25s.
The Meditator
This person pays to swim, then spends most of the time meditating back behind the blocks. No stretching, but silent mantra stuff. Is this a thing?
The shark-
I like to think of myself as an old shark, cruising up and down the lagoon, pulling up next to others and then slowly cruising past. At least that’s how I see myself.
the visual picture I just got from this is amazing… and frightening at the same time.
Apologies, but I can’t resist going here:
The Triathlete
Walks swiftly to stand above the fast lane and unloads a bag of gear like a swimoutlet.com truck overturned on the highway. Snorkels, zoomers, paddles with shapes you’ve never seen before (I once saw a guy with two (!!) pullbuoys in his bag…why you need two, bro?).
Fills his cap with water so he can put it on (a blank one with a number sharpied on the side), clips on his giant goggles with the memory-foam seal, adjusts his under-jammer, ties his over-drag suit, gives you a subtle, knowing nod, (like “hey, good to see some other decent swimmers here”), jumps in and does an 800 as fast as he can… Read more »
So glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read your post! It would have come out my nose I started laughing so hard. We have a guy who is a combination of the Lifer and your Triathlete who seriously has six pairs of goggles because, and I quote, “I don’t have time to deal with foggy goggles.” So… what? You can’t do like the rest of us mere mortals and dip ’em in the pool real quick? He also has the few hundred dollar watch because “those clocks are never accurate” as he gestures in disgust at the wall clocks. He has to have an outside lane so he “doesn’t drown anyone with my wake”. And he’s not even training… Read more »
I am the same way. The advanced aerobic capacity and stunted hand-eye coordination of a swimmer is not a safe combination on a bike.