Dave: Gary, can you please please talk about London?

Gary: Hey, I forgot to mention that I’m going to the Olympics. I mean that I’m already here in London for the Olympics. I’ve been watching them. And going out a lot.

David: And the column?!?! You told me you’d call. You’re a liar! I’m just another notch on your belt.

Gary: I don’t believe in self-imposed rules or deadlines. The great Neil Diamond summed it up perfectly when belting out, “I am, I cried.” Sometimes people refer to me as the gentile Neil Diamond. I just am, without the crying bit. I’m a huge fan of his.

David: Buddy, I could talk about Neil Diamond all day long, but dry your eyes and let’s talk about swimming. Have you been drinking sherry the whole week or did you actually see some of it?

Gary: When I’m on the other side of the planet, somehow you’re even more annoying. How is that possible?

David: Go on.

Gary: Well, for starters, I will say congrats to all of the swimmers that have stepped up to represent us well, as in us-a.

David: America.

Gary: I know you’re too much of a liberal to be an unabashed supporter. Too cool to care. Whatever. Why don’t you allow unapologetic patriotism to reign during the Olympic Games?

David: I geek out over Team USA, before they sold out. I still like their early stuff a lot though.

Gary: If you really did you’d be over here. You’re missing a whopper of a party by the way. And the swimming? Mind blowing.

David: Tell us about the partying. I mean swimming.

Gary: I especially enjoyed seeing Nathan Adrian reclaim the coveted 100 free title for the United States, joining the ranks of legends of the sport like Duke, Johnny Weissmuller, Mark Spitz and Matt “Mad Dog” Biondi. Love it!

Huge win. Brave swim. Perfectly executed.

Then I lost my cell phone. I seem to remember throwing it at a wall mounted deer or elk head. Ronnie Wood is about the size of the bar stool I smashed over his head. And I think I got a rash from one of the uglier royals.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to live without a cell phone?

David: Gary, for the record, I put you in that 100 meter freestyle champion list, I don’t care about technicalities. In all sincerity, you totally rule. Okay, sincere moment over: Rebecca Soni? Tyler Clary? Dana Vollmer? Michael Phelps? Katie Ledecky? Ryan Lochte? Matt Grevers?!

Tell. Tell. Tell! Do it!

Gary: Mind blowing. Like Neil Diamond mind blowing.

David: Tell us about it! Give us a scoop, the insider’s perspective. You have a bunch of medals, they must have at least let you in the nose bleeds!

Gary: Well, Michael Phelps’ last swim? Make it gold!

Sun Yang’s false start in the 1500 meter freestyle? Did he or didn’t he false start all over the Olympic pool? Some will argue that he is a premature eject-ulator, on his swimming start. Once he got in there though the man from China hammered away, pumping his way to victory, with each stroke advancing toward a climactic domination. And new world’s record.

David: Stop.

Gary: Also, David Beckham has a very little dingy compared to the mega yacht I was riding last night. Awesome party in Canary Wharf, the ship docked next to Paul Allen’s Tug. And then off to some hipster part of town. Camden? Then I won a medal in “consumption” at a Turkish restaurant off Brick Lane or Road or something. I don’t know. It’s all starting to blur and it’s 4:14 am as I type this.

David: Yeah, yeah, name dropping (kind of) and making stupid jokes as usual. Tell us about the swimmers you’ve seen. Any past greats that I remember?

Gary: The other night I filled my belly with wonderful beer at the German House. It’s the first time Germany hasn’t won a swimming medal since something like 1920. I met up with the swimming legend Franziska Van Almsick.

Franzi’s 200 free at the 1994 World Championships was the bravest swim that I’ve ever seen. As a young swimmer I saw the Chinese and Claudia Poll (both eventually banned from the sport for drug abuse) winning nearly every single women’s event at the meet. This performance taught me that a clean athlete can beat a cheating athlete. Poignant.

David: And the Chinese now? There was some international incident swirling around the comments that emerged from a US coach. Do you have an opinion?

Gary: Yes, I have an opinion. No, I’m not going to share.

Anyway, Franziska is kind of like a hero to me (and to a lot of people). I really enjoyed spending sometime with her and a large group of German swimmers last night, including Thomas Rupprath. We ended up at a very cool club called Scotch. And I lost my cell phone.

David: Wait, you’re not commenting on the Chinese swims? Gary, very big of you. Unfortunately, that makes any more commentary you have boring.

Gary (ignoring David): The night before was a house dinner party in Notting Hill. Suffice to say, it was awesome! As swimming wraps up and the swimmers are starting to emerge from the confines of the Olympic village, the party is about to get a lot more, uh, Olympic.

David: Ouch.

Gary: I saw the Team GB hero, Becky Adlington and her friends going out tonight with more sequins on than every gay person ever. Combined. Including Liberace.

Enough about me and Liberace though. What’s going on with you in Seattle these days? Has the sun come out yet for “summer”? Have you had Olympic viewing parties with friends over to do face paint and make USA t-shirts with glitter and puffy paints? I hope you’re not tugging at it too much. I think you’ll find that if you pull your puffy paint tube gently you won’t spill that glue all over the place.

David: Nice double entendre idiot. Ask your French friends what that means, it could be educational.

Gary: Blow it out your nose.

David: Seattle is amazing, Nathan Adrian and Ariana Kukors have been getting some much deserved press here, though they (ahem) deserve more. Love those two, I proposed that Rainier beer do a “real American heroes” ad-campaign, but say “real Northwe-e-e-stern heroes.” But, when I called, the people in Milwaukee didn’t know what a Northwesterner was. Or where.

Anyway, the point is that it’s been a pleasure to follow these young dorks kill it over there. I hope that they enjoy their time off and make some cash.

Gary: They are heroes. Not dorks.

David: Yeah, yeah, anyway.  The only thing is that, unfortunately, I think they’re too famous to come on the column now Gary. At least we got Alex Meyer before he went corporate*

*That’s my way of wishing you luck, Alex: kill it. We love you.